AGirlOutThere

I never even knew I wanted one...

2009-06-30T17:03:00.000-07:00

...but just think of all the cool things you could haul on your bike...all my Findlay Market findings, a friend after one too many at O'Malley's in the Alley, lots of Cincinnati Library books, camping gear from Benchmark (yeah, that would be a haul), picnic stuffs for park night on the Ohio River, recycling for the bin a 1/2 mile away by the 4th Street Elementary school, carry out Dewey's Pizza, bottles and bottles of Luzon Verde from the Party Source, my gym bag to Urban Active, ham and gruyere croissants for a month from Cafe Greenup, original art from Pendleton Art Center's Final Friday, several pounds of coffee beans from Taza, all my running needs from Meters and Miles, and of course something green from Park+Vine. The real question would be, "Will Reser put my Madsen winnings together for me when it shows up in a box?"

**Hey, if I have to plug Madsen to get a chance to win....I feel like others should get a plug, too.

So I'm enjoying the view...

2008-08-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

...and then my buddy runs up and shoves me over the edge. Mountain top experience over.

Love 'n some paint

2008-07-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

Enjoy...

2008-01-13T21:09:00.000-08:00

John Butler Trio

The Republicrat Dynasty

2007-12-22T12:57:00.000-08:00

Miss Keys

2007-09-11T06:52:00.000-07:00

So I really enjoyed this song and this performance, but evidently MTV doesn't want bloggers to promote it. If you want to see it, check out mtv.com (Sorry, Rose.)

Big Bridge Little Shade

2007-08-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

That's the Native American name for todays run.

I'm soaking in the irony of finally (as in today at 3:15pm) wanting (couldn't resist) to run again after almost 4 months of burnout.

That translates into:

I'm soaking in sweat today at 4:00pm, after running 4 miles in "98'F feels like 103'F," (weather.com), and now I'm burning up.

Pointillism

2007-06-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

"Pointillism is a style of painting in which small distinct points of primary colors create the impression of a wide selection of secondary colors. The technique relies on the perceptive ability of the eye and mind of the viewer to mix the color spots into a fuller range of tones, and is related closely to Divisionism, a more technical variant of the method." --Wikipedia

Sunday Afternoon on the Island of the Grande Jatte (approx 3,456,000 dots)--Georges Seurat

Here are a few close up details for your further appreciation of the method...

Today I came across this photo from Jacksonville Beach in Florida.Don't you think it would be a fantastic beach scene for a Georges Seurat work? Sunbathers on the beach, enjoying the water, the sky, the seaspray, the sand, the grasses, the rooftops and trees in the distance, and all the colors of the bicycles, the towels, the umbrellas...

Sweet...

2007-03-09T06:07:00.001-08:00

Letter from my friend

2007-01-31T02:49:00.000-08:00

So I have a lot on my mind these days related to this letter, and a few others. I thought about telling Amy's story, but this is the best way to share it. There will be a few things to follow related to this, but I'll begin with this letter from my friend.
Well here goes…my first big letter to the better chunk of my contact list, because inquiring minds want to know…

Many of you may not know that I was diagnosed with cervical cancer last week. Big bummer! Given the circumstances, I think things are going very well. God is taking great care of me. I have the best possible husband available on this planet. I’m so thankful for his love and support. My mom basically moved back in. For those of you who don’t know, my sister Natalie stole her several years ago. ….I tell you …what I had to do just to get her back for a while. She and my buddy Carol redecorated my study in an afternoon using mostly stuff we had around the house. I felt like I was on Trading Spaces or Design on a Dime or something. You should see it. It’s a wonderful little nest for me to recover in.

I had an outpatient surgery two days ago to better determine how far this nasty little cancer has spread. It was my first time to go under general anesthesia. I was scared, but as it turns out it was no big deal. The harder part for me was getting the results last night. The little buggers are already into my lymph system. That buys me a PET scan next week to get a better idea if they’ve spread to my lymph nodes and other abdominal areas. That wasn’t the news I wanted to here. However, this is still a very treatable thing. And, not to brag or anything, but I’m kind of used to hanging out on the better end of statistical charts. J

If the PET Scan or CAT Scan shows that it has spread, I think I start radiation and chemo next week. If my hair falls out, expect a picture of me and Dirk with our bald heads for Christmas this year. Don’t forget to tell me how cute I am bald. If the scans don’t show spread, there will be no radiation or chemo, but I win a hysterectomy that could have up to a 10 week recovery time!! It sounds like an eternity to me. I’m really not very good at staying home, let alone lying around. I guess it’s time to learn to be still. It’s a spiritual discipline that I’ve been interested in for quite some time.

For those of you that didn’t know, I’ve been home schooling Ben, Nick and Emily for the last year. Because God takes such good care of us, I was able to reenroll them at North Avondale Montessori, their former school where you typically need to camp out over night to be on a waiting list to get in. They are all settled in their classes and are doing well. What a blessing that is.

There are so many people who have offered to help. I feel incredibly loved and cared for. And, there really are things that I would love for you to help me with. Many of them are not the usual things that cancer patients ask for. Here are some thoughts:

(Very regular one – but MOST IMPORTANT) Please pray for me and my family as we get used to our new situation.

(Again quite standard) For those of you who have offered to make meals for my small army, you’re brave. Contact Carol Brammer at cbrammer@comey.com She has a freezer in her basement to store them. Please avoid shrimp and peanuts. It’s so annoying when the kids blow up like balloons.

(Unusual, but incredibly important to me) As many of you know, Dirk and I are involved with D’Vine, www.dvineonline.org, a Vineyard church plant in Clifton. Let me tell you, this is not just your regular church. This is a group of people who are sold out to living their lives on purpose within a community. We don’t want to have a church. We want to BE the church. We exist to show love in practical ways to the Clifton community, the city and the world. I tell you, I really think Jesus would like this kind of church. Many people at D’Vine have uprooted their lives and consider themselves to be missionaries to this community. It’s great to be a part of something like that. D’Vine wants to be a blessing to the community. One of the ways we want to do that is by creating a safe place for people to come and connect with others. Sociologists call them third spaces. They aren’t our homes and they aren’t our businesses or government spaces…just places where we can belong and connect with others. I had a dream about this kind of thing over 6 years ago. At the time I thought it was a soda shop. It is a big part of why we moved into the city. We are in the process of starting a coffee house…not an overtly Christian coffee house…but a gathering spot for people to connect. My friend Carol has a coffee house, Brutopia on Ludlow in Clifton, and I love knowing that there’s a place where I can go and be known by the people there and belong, especially now that I have cancer. Carol overheard a person in her store who was trying to quit smoking say, “I came to my favorite place, because I didn’t know where to go and I knew they would support me here.” That’s the kind of place we want to create on the other side of campus. A place for people who would NEVER EVER EVER in a million years think about going to a church for support. I feel like I’m in neck deep on this project and it absolutely kills me to think that I’m going to have to chill out on this for awhile. We’re having an awesome time fixing up the building and we’re getting really close to being able to open. If anyone loves to do plumbing, electric, painting, marketing, has supplies we could use, etc….that would be the absolutely coolest thing ever. Invest in a diverse community! It’s life changing. Invest in young people. It’s life changing. Invest in authentic community! It’s life changing. My prayer is that God will show up in amazing ways in our community to unite us, empower us and resource us to fulfill this dream that we believe He put in our hearts. If you have an interest in this contact Aaron Wright at aaron@dvineonline.org Because HE’S THE MAN

Whew! Talk about some serious rambling. Are you allowed to get away with this when you have cancer? I guess I’ll find out. Seriously, I’m not emailing all of you again. Anyone who wants updates needs to [check out her update website which in under construction now]. Feel free to forward this to other people that might pray or be interested. I lost most of the Vineyard email addresses when they changed last year. If they want to be on the email list, they can email me as well. It’s ridiculously egocentric to assume you want to hear about all this. (My mom made me do it.)

I’ve spent a lot of time teaching people how to manage their money. It’s an important stewardship issue. Manage it well, but do an even better job with your time. What a priceless gift we all have today. I’m going to the Children’s museum with my beautiful kids. There will probably be some ice cream involved as well…all organic with lots of vitamins for you health nuts.

Amy

You, Me, and The Flying Pig

2007-01-03T13:28:00.000-08:00

So I'm running The Pig on May 6th. It's a lot of training and work, so I decided if a huge part of my time was going to go to this, it should go to helping others, doing something more than checking off the "Ran a marathon" box on my life list.

I am trainning with and raising funds with Team in Training for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. The money we raise will go towards patient support, advocacy, research, and public and professional education as it all relates to blood cell cancers.

My fundraising goal is $1400 by April 13th. So far (01/01/2007) I have about $330. I would love for you to visit my Team in Training webpage and make a donation; and tell all your friends (Blogger, Xanga, MySpace, or otherwise). You can donate $1 or $1 meellllion dollars. You can even do it annonymously, if that's your bag baby.

Thanks for your support!

www.active.com/donate/tntsoh/CourtneyMaxie

Each Bengal Tiger Has It's Own Pattern of Stripes (or Finding Black and White in a Greyish World)

2006-11-08T07:46:00.000-08:00

I find myself repeatedly wondering how to make sense of it all. People who believe in God. My God, your God, the “other” god, no god, some god, ‘your own, personal Jesus’ (oh wait, that’s a song, never mind)…

Today, I read someone’s blog that really challenges the thought of a book that I just finished last night. (By the way, thanks AMM for sharing your black and white with us.)

"There is one black and white issue that I will not be moved on. That is this, there is ONE Savior, ONE God, ONE Way." ---AMM

I agree with this (I think). I recently read The Life of Pi by Yann Martel, and it began to put words to the conversations and thoughts that I’ve found to be so challenging.

Life of Pi, is a fantastic read, a beautiful read, for anyone interested. I loved the thought stretching that it required, I loved the adventure, and I loved the imagery. The young boy claims to be Christian, Muslim, and Hindu. He raises a challenging thought (one that many of my friends live out or ask in one way or another). If there is only one God, wouldn't all religions (namely Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and Judaism) lead to the one and only God?

Anyway, I'm writing this not to start a huge ugly back and forth, but I would like to hear more thoughts on this; not who’s right and who’s wrong, but how you personally have come to your current conclusions (about the big statement/question and/or the book or simply, which title you think I should have chosen).

PS If anyone would like to read through this together and discuss it along the way, let me know (blog me, email me, or call me). I'll read it again, and probably again, but probably not again again again.

Summer Sabbatical Summarized Scrapbook Style (In no particular order)

2006-11-08T06:03:00.000-08:00
My Summer...

1. Started training for the Columbus Marathon (popping the marathon cherry in Columbus)
2. Read: DaVinci Code, Monster, The Four Loves, some Sherlock Holmes, The Life of Pi, and lots of newspapers
3. Completed an insane yardsale for a fundraiser.
4. Began running on Sundays with the local run club.
5. Other Movies: Break Up, Saw, The Ringer, Red Eye, The Jacket, Eon Flux, The Aviator, The Departed, Pirates, Little Miss Sunshine, Super Size Me, Borat, to name a few

6. Expanded my circle of friends.
7. Played tennis on clay for the first time (popped the clay court cherry in Cincy!)
8. Started the Spring off with an awesome, awesome pedicure (later trashed it;
see 1, 4, 7, and 9) .
9. Summer kickball league! Finally got to play, instead of just being a beer buddy.
10. Laughed on the inside while helping the FO pick out "gear" for his first post USMC camping trip..."It's civilian, honey, not tactical. Remember, 'So and So' will be there, and I heard he wanted to get a hotel room." Ok, that was mean. Sorry (if you know who you are), but it did run through my mind.

11. Found out that "foot ass" pizza doesn't taste like it smells.
12. Roadtrip to Chi town. Love Chi town!
13. Took the GRE, not.
14. First trips to Findlay Market...awesome!
15. Discovered a really great $10 quiche.

16. Great Movie Event: Nacho Libre!!!!
17. Ate a coney with Cincinnati Chili, over on the Westside (and liked it, sort of... I'm not too crazy about the boiled/steamed hotdog).
18. Discovered Putz's (est in 1938), hence #17.
19. Remember those matchbox cars that when you crashed them the side would flip around to show the damage? I found a way to do that with my car...only I can't get it to flip around to the nicer side again.

20. Demolished an apartment.
21. Drove Bragg's car (even after 19). I love driving that car!
22. Discovered my urban world funk identity...
23. Got over a strange crush.
24. Ironic moment #1: I'm driving through downtown Cincinnati 5:20 pm on a Wednesday and what do I see? A woman with a cast on her left leg, jaywalking on Reading right before Eggleston. Maybe she can get a matching set.
25. Ironic moment #2: A flat chested (no chested) sales clerk found the perfect fit swim suit for me.
26. Ironic moment #3: I ironed one of The FO's work shirts.
27. Learned how to tile.

28. Random Thought #1: Contemplated the risks of waxing certain areas after using a self tanner for two weeks....hmmm?
29. Random Thought #2: Contemplated what would happen if a particular sister dated a particular friend. It was really scary and I think it would end poorly. Good thing they don't know each other and they live about 2000 miles apart. (Whew, that was close!)
30. Helped NotSoStrange paint her room...nice color.

31. Discovered some sick toys in NotSoStrange's roommates stash for her niece. What 2 year old needs a Beer Drinking Boxing Margeret Thatcher Puppet? And the person trapped in the box....that's just creepy!
32. Thanks to Da B'Jesus Pimp, I learned how to feed 60+ teenagers in 30 minutes.
33. 1st time to the Greek Festival. I'll be going back next year, because no one told me the really good stuff is inside the church!
34. Sang "Happy Birthday" at the top of my lungs (with 16 others) in the middle of a restaurant. It's fun to watch friends blush...and yes, you were blushing, Pimp!
35. Gave my nightmares to God. I'm sleeping better now.

36. Pretty sure God prompted me one morning as I drank my coffee. It was something simple for me, but significant on the other side. By the way, it was a brief and quiet prompting, so remember to take some time and just quietly sip your coffee, chai, latte, yadre matte, or sunny-D.
37. Cringed following some blogs. Like a favorite scratched record, I kept listening hoping the repeating would stop and I could hear the rest of the album.
38. Shared a book with one of my neighbors. He really enjoyed it and is planning on checking out more Donald Miller. Coolest thing, I connected with a single 60 something year old white guy. He goes for Chinese downtown every Sunday and he and I can talk about books.
39. Smiled alot every time I thought how God has answered a 6 year prayer request. Smiling now.
40. New tunes: Ben Weaver, Doveman, oh and Braggalicious;)

41. New Recipes: Roasted bell pepper dish (yummy), Chicken on the grill (love the change), trail brownies

42. Joined Team in Training. Planning on running The Flying Pig with them.
43. Hoping that a really great friend is growing during her sabbatical.
44. Trip to NYC.

45. Watched my first Bengals game last weekend at my neighborhood bar. The best play I saw happened right as a fellow patron yelled, "Don't suck!" We required that he yell, "Don't suck!" before each play.
46. Met loads of new peeps!
47. Became an aunt...yes that means that the FO is a UFO!

48. Trip to NC.
49. Discovered a wonderful (and cheap) meatball sub in Clifton (you'll have to ask, if you want to know where)
50. Went to my first Reds game.

I Must Slay The Dragon, To Save My Knight.

2006-08-08T13:05:00.000-07:00
I want the perfect body. (Picture from Troy)
I want the perfect mind. (GoodWill Hunting?)
I want the perfect house. (Sleeping with the enemy)
I want the hero. (Gladiator)
I want the man who fights for what is right (Braveheart.)
I want the bad boy. (Collin Ferrel)
I want the gentleman. (Best Friends Wedding).
I want him to make me laugh (Wedding Crashers).
I want him to make me sigh (Match Point).
I want him to be dangerous (Departed)
I want him to be savvy (Inside Man)
I want him to be street (8 Mile).
I want him to be glam (George Clooney)
I want him to be mysterious (Johny Depp)
I want him to be cute (Ben Afleck)
I want him to be manly (Denzel Washington)
I want him to be adventurous (Horse called Edalo)...

I have created this dragon in my mind. He destroys any mere mortal by simply exhaling. Funny, what power for a ficticious creature. He is in my head, my dreams, my heart, but I can never have, hold, cherish this beast.

My knight, however, is real. He breaths, he speaks, he thinks, he loves, he messes up, he hurts, he forgives, he does the wrong things and sometimes the right things, he isn't dark or mysterious, he's only smarter than some, he doesn't have it all figured out, sometimes for him things work out,

It is quite evident that I must slay my Dragon, in order to save my knight.

Shutting Down.

2006-04-15T05:59:00.000-07:00
I’m way too plugged in. I’m missing out.
If I pull the plug, will I miss out.

Shutting down is something really scary.
It's really something scary how shut down I am.

I see a new side of you,
But I never see you.

Connected disconnect.
Disconnecting the connectivity.

Longing for the contact.
Not this intercourse, void of touch.

An hour, maybe two, spilling my guts out to you.
Really I want to fill my gut alongside you.

It’s being something in effect,
Not existing in the definite.

Authentic as a cover model;
Every blemish counted absent.

Infinite neighborhood,
Without the hassle of community.

Staying.
Leaving.

It’s really something scary.

All this to say…

It's time to give up the blog.
Instead I'll go for a jog.

The discourse is nice,
But what I’m after is the life spice.

That’s you and that's me,
Talking over tea and coffee.

That’s me saying the wrong thing,
And being present for your bellowing.

That’s hearing the laughter that creates your smile,
And learning how to stay and listen for a longer while.

That’s a hug for when you cry,
And an eyeroll to go with the big sigh.

Now I feel the rambling has gone one quite long enough,
And all I really want is to get up off of my duff.

2006-04-12T10:24:00.000-07:00
Your results:
You are Green Lantern?

Green Lantern
75%
Superman
70%
Supergirl
68%
Hulk
65%
The Flash
65%
Iron Man
65%
Wonder Woman
53%
Batman
50%
Catwoman
45%
Spider-Man
40%
Robin
30%
Hot-headed. You have strong
will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Of all the superheroes, I know the least about Green Lantern. Hmmm????

Jesus: Rebel With A Cause vs Know-it-All

2006-04-08T05:58:00.000-07:00
Jesus: Rebel With A Cause vs Know-it-All

"I see Jesus as absolutely being rebellious. That is what got him killed."

Oh? I read this a while back on a blogpost comment. I'm not critizing the author, it just made me think a little. Jesus was a rebel? And that's what got him killed? Or was Jesus a know it all and that pissed off the cool kids (the Pharisees), so they lynched the new kid (Jesus) who might usurp their status (which ultimately He did).

Jesus came to fulfill the Old Testament, to complete it, not rebel against it, or replace it. The Pharisees, so full of themselves and their knowledge, had badly misunderstood, misinterpreted, and misrepresented God's teaching. Jesus corrected them. How many of us like the correction, reality check, questioning, "constructive criticism"?

Grow Up.

2006-04-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

The 12 Steps

We admitted we:
1. Were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Maybe you think it strange that I put The 12 Steps under a post titled 'Grow Up.' Recently, well maybe not so recently, now that I think about it, I've come to realize that every single person is an addict. Some are addicted to ETOH, some to the medicine chest, some to the street drugs, some to food, some to the lack of food, some to porn, some to pride, some to ego, some to power, some to money, some to sex, some to violence, some to tobacco, some to pop culture, some to shopping, some to toys, some to gambling, some to _____________.

Really it all boils down to addiction to self. Ironic, how addiction to self is so self-descructive. We can all recognize this damage...because again, it's about self. I think we should all live The 12 Steps.

Most of the people I know, self included, are very good at 1-5*, along with 10-12*. "1-5" I screwed up, I'm human (aka I'm not perfect and it's not all my fault), and sharing these screw ups with a good friend helps (in various healthy/self serving ways). "10-12" I know I will screw up again(no pressure/responsibility), it's great to be in God's precense, and of course I want to share with others (boast/seek attention), and mentor others (influence/control). (*Note, I do not understand these steps on quite this shallow of a level, I just think they are the steps that are easier to point to and (ab)use when we are not grown up.)

It's tricky little 6, 7, 8, and 9 that's hard. These steps are what I see as the 'Grow Up' phase. This phase is where I actually have to give up (self) control and let God do His thing; no more "moral inventory" or confessing; no more pondering; no more focusing. Doing. (Sounds like like a short green guy in the swamps of Degobah.) This is also the phase where self actually has to take ownership for self's treatment of others. I have to stop and think about my history of addiction (my past) and think about all of the people that I screwed up while I was screwed up. I have to make direct amends.

I have to make direct amends. Do you know what this means? I looked it up: amends-a restituion of wrong. That means I did something wrong. I own that something wrong. I own it, even though I've recognized my powerlessness over my addiction, believed that a Greater Power can restore me, made the decision to give my will over to the care of God. I've done a moral inventory, given it to God, asked Him (humbly) to remove my shortcomings, but I still own this wrong.

I have to make direct amends. Amends- a restitution of wrong. Next I looked up restitution: 1. giving back-the return of something to its rightful owner; 2. paying back-compensation for a loss, damage, or injury; 3. restoration-the return of something to the condition it was in before it was changed. I own this wrong, and I have to go directly to the person I have wronged and make it right.

Talk about daunting. It's not just an "I'm sorry." It's not an email, voicemail, card in the mail, blog, drunk-call, hang out over a beer (yeah that would be bad for a true AA thing). It is an in person interaction. I have to not only admit my wrong, but I have to find out from that person how I can restore what I changed (damaged).

I wish I had some nice little sum it up, but I'm just going to leave this right here, unfinished.

Blueberry Brie Chicken

2006-04-03T19:00:00.000-07:00
Think of your favorite restaurant. I'm not talking about where you go because it's cheap, or close, or the place you go because your friends are there. I'm talking about YOUR favorite restaurant. Now think of your favorite item on the menu. If you're anything like me, you have a favorite dish at the favorite restaurant. Once I get it in my head that I'm going to a certain place, I usually already have made my dinner decision. Here's an example; I'm going to Arnold's in downtown Cincinnati; I immediately think of the blueberry brie chicken. My mouth is watering. 9 times out of 10 I will go for the blueberry brie chicken, but every once in awhile I’ll take a look at the menu. Oh, maybe the wild mushroom ravioli catches my eye, or the fresh catch of the day, and I veer off the beaten path for something new, something different.

Well gang, I have to say that this happens to me in more areas than just my restaurant/menu life. It happens in my activities life, my professional life, my spiritual life, my social life, and my love life. I have started, stopped, picked it up again, stopped again, thrown it to the curb, and gone back to the store to buy it all over again, stopped it again, started it again, with so many areas of my life. What about you?

The funny thing is, even while I’m contemplating something different on the menu, I know that I want the blueberry brie chicken. It makes me very sad, when I go for the “new” and “different” and realize, as I partake, that I really still prefer the blueberry brie chicken, and wish that I had chosen it this time, too.

Don't Miss It!

2006-04-03T17:57:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, April 5, 2006, at two minutes and
three seconds after 1:00 AM
in the morning, the time and date will be

01:02:03 04/05/06

This will never happen again. Don't miss it...

The Innocents

2006-04-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

Recently, I went to The Contemporary Arts Center located in downtown Cincinnati, Ohio. If you haven't been there, you should check it out. The building itself is amazing. I recommend stopping in the resource center and watching the Zaha Hadid interview. She is the designing architect. I could get lost in conversations about design. Alas, I digress.

So this past weekend, I went to CAC for the first time. All of the shows are temporary exhibits (which I'm thrilled about), and we viewed the works of Tony Oursler, exhibits Gadgets and The Whole World is Rotten, The UnMuseum, and The Innocents, a collection of works by Taryn Simon.

The Innocents was beautifully and powerfully done. The bold images drew me in. I read the commentary for each work and then just looked into the eyes of the subjects. What went through their minds as they stood in that strange, yet significant place. Were they at peace with the hand that life had dealt them? Would they ever be? What if I were in the series? Would I be grateful or resentful? I thought about how they must have been abandoned and abused. I wondered how difficult it was to adjust to prison, and then to adjust to the free world again. As I sit and ponder over their stories and images now, I wonder what it was like to be found guilty of a crime that one did not commit. To be found guilty of raping a minor, robbery, murder, kidnapping.... What was that first night as a "convicted felon" like? What went through their minds as they lay on their bunk, trying to sleep.

There is one image that gets me the most. It is a picture of a man standing with his arm around a woman. My mind quickly assumed they were a couple, and then I read the caption. She was a rape victim, and she had misidentified him. He was later released related to DNA evidence. Wow, would I be able to forgive someone who had made the mistake of MY life? Just think for years I was in prison, my family (a)shamed, my picture on some sex offenders webpage, all the friends in the community fading from the picture, but here this guy is with his arm around this woman. Now what if I were the woman? How the heck could I face this man, who I put away? How in the world would I ever be able to face him? I don't think I would ever feel that any apology I offered would be good enough, but there she is, comfortably standing next to him.

God did this for us. He was found guilty of a crime that was not His. He went through the conviction, the humiliation, the abuse, and the death penalty, all the while interceding for us, asking His Father to forgive us, and once He "got out" He stilled loved us more than we can deserve or understand.

N@#$%, and Wet$%^&, and Ch!#$%, Oh My!

2006-04-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

The FO and I stepped out last night and
went to N*W*C-The Race Show. It was great!
If you ever get the chance to see it, do.

I don't know what I enjoyed more, the
players, or the audience. It was such a
diverse crowd; different races, professions,
educations, lifestyles, and ages. After the
show they had a Q&A with the players.
(The show is autobiographical.) The
audience had about 30 minutes to ask
questions. After that the players hung out in
the lobby. All of the interaction was great, but
the entire evening, I just kept wondering, how
do we get this particular group of people to get
together on a regular basis and listen to and
learn about each other and work on ways to
really make a difference in Cincinnati.

2006-03-30T03:55:00.000-08:00

A Fast Without God?

http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/Savinganddebt/Savemoney/P148573.asp

2006-03-11T21:53:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Fuller!

Steve, our card for you is at the bottom of the page...scroll down.
love,
thegirl and The FO

It's Not What I Do; It's How I Am.

2006-03-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

Don't

2006-03-01T04:09:00.000-08:00
Don't put me in any more categories!

I'm so sick of it!

Stop sticking me in the neat little box!

You can't know a thing about me,

The way you limit and suffocate me.

So You Go And You Stand On Your Own

2006-03-01T04:00:00.000-08:00
I couldn't have said it better...

I am the son, I am the heir,
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar,
I am the son and heir,
Of nothing in particular,

You shut your mouth
how can you say,
I go about things the wrong way,
I am human and I need to be loved,
just like everybody else does,

I am the son, and the heir,
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar,
I am the son and heir,
Of nothing in particular,

You shut your mouth
how can you say,
I go about things the wrong way,
I am human and I need to be loved,
just like everybody else does,

There's a club if you'd like to go,
you could meet some body who really loves you,
so you go and you stand on your own,
and you leave on your own,
and you go home and you cry
and you want to die.

When you say its going to happen "now",
well when exactly do you mean?
see I've already waited too long,
and all my hope is gone,

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and i need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

---Morrissey - How Soon is Now?

Last Year's Toy This November

2006-02-15T10:03:00.000-08:00
How my heart breaks for you,
longs for you.

The fear is so real.
The fear that I'll never again hear your voice,
never again see your smile,
never again with you share a day,
never again,
no never again.

The thought of you,
the idea of you,
the dream of you,
only a fairytale,
just a mere fairytale.
Something we believed as children,
something that now we must let go.

Why do I want you so?
God has given me many others to replace you,
Many others that are wonderful,
Many others that love me,
but my heart breaks for you,
longs for you.

It feels so wrong to write you off,
like last year's toy when it's this November.
Am I so wrong to write you off?
I'm last year's toy on the shelf this November.
Do I just shut up and sit here?
Do I just collect all the dust?
Do I wait for you to remember me?
I wonder if you will remember me.

A Must See...

2006-02-14T19:35:00.000-08:00

Nominated for the 3rd annual Las Vegas Film Critics Society awards.

New York Times, Lawrence Van Gelder,
"'Trekkies,' directed and edited by Roger Nygard, is a disarming documentary that takes a good-natured look at the hold that the 1966 television series and its sequels and film incarnations exert over millions of fans."

Boston Herald, Renee Graham,
***,
"Making fun of Trekkies...has always been rather like shooting fish in a barrel. ... So it says an awful lot about Roger Nygard's often-hilarious look at the 30-years-and-counting Star Trek phenomenon, and its fans in particular, that 'Trekkies' never really feels like a put down. It's all pretty funny, to be sure, but Nygard isn't so much interested in making fun of Trekkies as in taking a lighthearted look at their particular world, and just how far some have gone to honor their favorite television show. In 'Trekkies,' you can laugh with them, even as you're laughing at them." "The Trekkie phenomenon may fall short of common definitions of normalcy, but as a film, 'Trekkies' sure beats sleeping outside for days to see a mediocre movie about some galaxy far, far away."

The Cincinnati Enquirer, Margaret A. McGurk,
***,
"...a funny, far-ranging look at Trek fandom in all its eccentric glory. ...an utterly winning documentary based on repeated expeditions into the far horizons of Star Trek fandom. ... The filmmakers, alternately tickled and amazed at what they saw, returned from their mission with an affectionate, loopy and often hilarious portrait of a world unto itself. I say, don't let 'Trekkies' pass you by, this movie is more fun than a barrel of Tribbles."

San Francisco Bay Guardian, Arne Johnson,
"...an uncomfortably hilarious experience.... While delving into extremes that will make you laugh and possibly even scoff, Trekkies illuminates a kind of community that isn't that far from the rest of us. ... You will be astounded by many of the fans in this film...."

USA Today, Andy Seller,
***,
Director Roger Nygard's prime directive is to paint an affectionate, even sentimental portrait of the fans, no matter how weird they get on him. It's nice to be nice, but a little more deadpan wit and a little less mush would have made this movie a classic. Several characters cry out for a sharper satiric edge along the lines of 'Roger & Me' or Comedy Central's 'The Daily Show.' Instead there is much footage of cast members discussing what a wonderful thing Star Trek is and how the films and TV shows have given fans a reason to live. The stars never discuss the field that they obviously know best: the science of face-lifts and toupees. Oh, well."

Confucius Says on Candy Heart...

2006-02-14T11:08:00.000-08:00

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"
You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.
Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)
Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic
What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays
Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

Really? They can fit all that on a candy heart?

Think About It...

2006-02-04T21:27:00.000-08:00
Went to a great place with great friends, and listened to a great band. They sang these lyrics that made me stop and think about it...

"My name is Judas. Someone had to be me."

The Fairytale

2006-02-02T05:08:00.000-08:00

I recently came across this song. Click on the picture and listen for yourself. Initially it sounded like an angry girl with a broken heart expelling her tendernesses toward some guy(those are a dime a dozen). I can think of times that I have felt this way, but over the past few years I've had a lot of healing in my heart towards those people. Anyway...

For whatever reason I was in a 'must read the lyrics' mode the other evening, so I looked them up. As I read through the lyrics, I found all sorts of relationships running through my head-- friendships that failed, dysfunction in my family, co-workers that I could have reached out to, me and God, people to who I was down right mean , and the ones that were mean to me.

The thoughts that saddened my heart, were the relationships that I have with or don't really have with 3 key people in my life. Lately I've felt 'But now we're not, Now it's not anything at all.' And I positively agree that 'The hardest part was getting this close to you, and giving up this dream I built with you. A fairytale that isn't coming true.' Oh how I wish things had turned out different with these people. I find myself always hoping that everything will turn out OK in the end, and we'll get to experience the fairytale.

Wishes

The saddest thing is you could be anything that you could want
We could have been everything
But now we’re not
Now it’s not anything at all

The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream I built with you
A fairytale that isn’t coming true
You’ve got some growing up to do

CHORUS:
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish I didn’t have these doubts
I wish I didn’t have to wonder just what you are doing now

I wish I didn’t know inside
That it won’t work out for you and I
I wish that I could stop this wishing
And just say my last goodbye

After all the things you put me through
Tell me why I’m still in love with you
And why am I, why am I still waiting for your call

You broke my heart
I’m taking it back from you
I’m taking back the life that I gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I’ve got some growing up to do…
CHORUS

It’s time I said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It’s time I said my last goodbye…
CHORUS

It’s time I said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It’s time I said my last goodbye

Gotta wash that man right out of my...

2006-01-31T20:30:00.000-08:00
Ok, so this thought came to mind this evening, "I don't trust men." Whoa! What the? Girl, what's going on?

I'm married for pete's sake! I love my husband, I love my dad, God is my Father, and I have male friends who I sincerely care about, so how can I have issues with men!

Actually it's pretty easy for me to answer that question. I felt the brunt of being "just a girl" at a very young age; on the playground. I wanted to play sports and I was picked last, not because I was slow or weak or whatever, just because I was something called "a girl." I mean really, at 5 and 6 years old, is there a huge difference? I was faster than most of the boys and I was happy to knock as many of them down as possible. And you know something else? When you are a girl in grade school and you get in trouble for fighting on the playground, the principle gives you lines full of how "nice little girls" should behave. (Excuse me I forgot it was wear pink and carry my Barbie doll around day.) OK, so that crap that every other tom-boy had to deal with is obvious. Later, I was burned a bit, by being a late bloomer. I loved not having to deal with the "blooming" drama that I watched my classmates and teammates going through, but I hated the fact that the guys didn't really notice me as a girl. During this time there was also fear. Fear of losing my spot on the track team, because our coach, he would always tell us how much it would slow us down when we started to "develop."

Ok, so when the development part happened, I caught up almost overnite what I had lacked for years. I hated it. It was bad enough that my clothes just weren't working out for me anymore, and I had to wear these hellish contraptions, but all the guys noticed and didn't even try to be suave about it. "Nice tits." (But if I throw him on the ground and kick his ass, I'll be suspended.) So basically the attention I was getting from guys was overtly sexual, unwelcome, and unrelenting.

Finally, I got to college, where all of the growing up drama was behind everyone. Yeah! Time to move on as a normal person. Although I still had a lot of vengeful anger to get rid of. I learned very quickly in my freshman year, that college boys are easy. It was easy to get phone calls, easy to get free meals, easy to get free entertainment, easy to get their attention, easy to pick 'em up, and easy to drop 'em. It became a little game..."who is the biggest challenge to date?" I dated a guy for a bit and then dated his roommate, dated a divorced guy in graduate school, then dated 2 of his fraternity brothers, went on 4 dates in one day (lunch, putt-putt and coffee, dinner and movie, and then bar hopping), went on a date with one guy, met one of his professors that night, and then went out with the prof the next weekend.

So I was mistreated by 'em, didn't trust 'em, then I used 'em and probably wasn't honest with 'em...ironic. No wonder I have trust issues. Now, I'm unpacking all the untrusting and dishonest baggage that I collected and trying to start anew, clean and Downy Mountain Air fresh. Thanks God for laundry days.

My Confession: I'm Not Watching The State of The Union Address Tonight

2006-01-31T16:54:00.000-08:00

So I'm not watching the State of the Union Address tonight , and I'll tell you why.

President Bush will say a lot of things that sound really good, afterwards the opponents will make their criticizing comments that will also sound really good, and tomorrow more than likely, none of it will come to fruition.

I think it's much more interesting that today was Mr. Greenspan's last day with the Federal Reserve, the day that Judge Alito was sworn in as the 110th Supreme Court Justice, and the final day for a remarkable woman, Coretta Scott King.

As for the State of the Union, let me know how it went. I'm ordering Chinese and getting a movie... see ya!

Who's God?

2006-01-31T05:21:00.000-08:00

Dialogue from "The Island"

Lincoln 6 Echo (E. McGregor): Who's God?

McCord (S. Buscemi): *thinking* Well, you know how when you want something real bad and you close your eyes and wish real hard for it?"

Lincoln 6 Echo: *gets it* Yeah!

McCord: God is the guy who ignores you.

So now I ask you, 'Who's God?'

She Will Be Loved

2006-01-26T09:35:00.000-08:00

Ephesians 3:17-18 (New Living Translation)
17And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. 18And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is.

Yes, Jesus loves her! He loves her director, loves her photographer, loves the video store owner, loves the video watcher, loves you, loves me, loves the liars, loves the bigots, loves President Bush, loves Senator Clinton, loves Pat Robertson, loves the cheaters, loves the pimps, loves Jim and Tammy Baker, loves the passive aggressives, loves the high rollers, loves the "godhatesfags" people, loves the antisocials, loves the pregnant teen and the boy who denies knocking her up, he loves the aborted baby, the abortionist, the assisting nurse, the girl in the stirrups, the friend sitting in the waiting room, the parent who gave her the condoms, the parent you gave her the boot, the pro-choice lobbyist, the pro-life lobbyist, and the crowd outside the clinic screaming "you're going to hell for this." He loves you, He loves me (incase you missed it the first time). He loves the drunkard that mowed down the cute little kid down the street. He loves the judge who gave him 2 years probation. He loves the cute little kid. He loves the cute little kid's mom who swallowed a bottle of everything to make the pain stop. He loves the devastated man.

I think you get the point...but if for some reason you don't, read and watch all the bad news that you can find and then spend a couple of moments sitting and just thinking about all of those children that God loves. Did you hear me? Jesus loves the little children, ALL the children of the world.

Do you remember this song?

Jesus calls the children dear,
“Come to me and never fear,
For I love the little children of the world;
I will take you by the hand,
Lead you to the better land,
For I love the little children of the world.”

Refrain (for kids this means, sing it as loud as possible)

Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
All are precious in His sight,
Jesus loves the little children of the world.

Alternate refrain (they never taught this one in VBS, so we just hummed along):

Jesus died for all the children,
All the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
All are precious in His sight,
Jesus died for all the children of the world.]

Jesus is the Shepherd true,
And He’ll always stand by you,
For He loves the little children of the world;
He’s a Savior great and strong,
And He’ll shield you from the wrong,
For He loves the little children of the world.

Refrain

I am coming, Lord, to Thee,
And Your soldier I will be,
For You love the little children of the world;
And Your cross I’ll always bear,
And for You I’ll do and dare,
For You love the little children of the world.

Refrain

...or this one...

Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong.

Refrain (Remember, sing it as loud as you possibly can!)

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! This I know,
As He loved so long ago,
Taking children on His knee,
Saying, “Let them come to Me.”

Refrain

Jesus loves me still today,
Walking with me on my way,
Wanting as a friend to give
Light and love to all who live.

Refrain

Jesus loves me! He who died
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.

Refrain

Jesus loves me! He will stay
Close beside me all the way;
Thou hast bled and died for me,
I will henceforth live for Thee.

Refrain

*This stanza from the original is commonly omitted in hymnals:

Jesus loves me! Loves me still,
Though I’m very weak and ill,
That I might from sin be free
Bled and died upon the tree.

Isaiah wrote, "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." (Isaiah 40:11)

An anonymous Eastern traveler told of witnessing what the prophet described.
"One shepherd led his flock by a zigzag path, up the almost perpendicular bank of the glen. Behind it two young lambs trotted gaily along at the feet of their mother. At first they frisked about and jumped lightly from stone to stone; but soon they began to fall behind. The poor little things cried piteously when the path became steeper and the rocks higher, and the flock more distant. The mother cried too, running back and forth - now lingering behind, now hasting on before, as if to wile them upwards. It was in vain. The ascent was too much for their feeble limbs. They stopped, trembling on the shelving cliff, and cried; the mother stopped and cried by their side. I thought they would certainly be lost; and I saw the great eagles that soared in great circles around the cliff far overhead, swooping lower and lower, as if to pounce upon their prey. But no! The plaintive cries of distress had already reached the ear of the good shepherd. Mounting a rock, he looked down, and saw the helpless little ones. A minute more, and he was standing by them. Then taking them up in his arms, he put them - one on each side - in his bosom, in the ample folds of his coat, which was bound round the waist by a girdle" ('The Pulpit Commentary'; Isaiah; Vol. II; P. 93).

So now I have to ask myself, can I look at these people and cry to The Shepherd like the mother lamb, or will I circle and wait for the perfect opportunity to pounce like the great eagle? Can I love her? What about you?

Thank God, she was loved by Him, she is loved by Him, and she will be loved by Him.

Fear and Training Wheels

2006-01-25T17:38:00.000-08:00

I watched as my dad took the training wheels off my bike. I threw my leg over the bike and then stood there with my feet touching the ground. I could feel the sweat on my hands, the warmth up the back of my neck, and a tightness in my stomach. The moment had come for me to either try to ride this bike or drop it in the street and run and always wonder what it would have been like to ride the bike my father had taught me to ride. Well I took off and Dad was right behind me. I busted my knees a few times, cried from the sting on my knee (frustration and embarrassment), got a band-aid, and tried again. Every time he helped me climb back on and every time he cheered me on.

Eventually, I was tearing through the neighborhood with my friends, thinking we were rulers of the world (not poor little kids with banged up knees), as we splashed through mud puddles, tore through the neighbors’ back yards, and raced the setting sun home! Those streets and alleys and muddy yards were ours for the taking! (Excuse me while I go paint my face blue and white...Freedom!!!)

Looking back, I wish I would have taken my own life lessons to heart and experienced the freedom and adventure that comes with walking away from fear. I have recently been thinking about fear and freedom. This started a several days ago observing and listening to others, and the other morning I started reflecting on how I've handled fear throughout my life. There have been times that I have ruled the world because I overcame fear and realized what I was experiencing because I had freedom from fear. And there are times that I am captive to fear and can only focus on the sting of my bleeding knee. At times there have been things I really wanted, but fear (and his close cousin, aka doubt) kept my feet planted on the ground on either side of my bike, so I never knew what was in store for me. Actually, I did it again, just the other night. I sat with a group of friends wondering if it would be OK to share what was really pressing into me. Could I take the training wheels off? Would I crash in front of everybody? What if I lost control? What if somebody said "You ride like a girl!" (Oh wait I am a girl.) Anyway, I held back, feeling it would be too much, too over the top, too much drama, too dangerous, etc, etc. I don't know who, but I think there was a friend hanging out, really hoping that a friend would peddle his/her bike down the street. I wonder who was going to gain from what I should have shared. I pray that God gives me a chance to try again. Guess I just need to remember that He is running behind me, cheering me on, with a band-aid in His pocket.

Question #1 from Mr. Wright

2006-01-25T00:17:00.000-08:00
Question #1 is something I started asking friends and others about 2 or 3 years ago when I was wrestling with the idea of how people really grew in their relationship with Jesus and in their commitment to Him. ...What are your Top Five, All Time, Desert Island Spiritually Significant Events? By SSE's I mean moments, activities, disciplines, experiences, etc... that changed how you see and experience God.

1-Cori. She was my running partner the summer I found God. She played a significant role in my coming to God. I shared stories from my life and questioned God's willingness to love me. The best thing was, that her jaw did not hit the ground. She just kept hanging out with me and listening. At times she would share what God had done in her life and encourage me to keep seeking.

2-A Dream. I had a very intense longing for a past "friend." I was incredibly troubled by it one day in particular, and when I got to the end of the night, I just knelt in my bed and cried out to God through song. I had only been a Christian for about a month, so I only new one song, but I sang it for what seemed like hours until I finally fell asleep. During my sleep I dreamt of this guy and it was so real. It caused my heart to ache and I felt so much confusion. Then in the middle of all the confusion God clearly spoke to me, "It will never work, because he is not of me." Bam! I sat straight up in bed, completely awake and stunned. With one sentence, God completely broke the ties of that relationship from my heart. 4 months later, I ran into my "friend" and he started talking about a relationship (like in the dream), but in real life I had complete peace and confidence about turning away from the relationship.

3-My Man. There came a point in our dating life (and again the other night), where I felt I needed to share with My Man my history. I knew it would be over, but instead he pointed out that all of those journies and brought me right here with him. I'm so thankful that God has given him the capacity to love me over and over and over again.

4- GirlFriends. We have moved around so much, but God has always secured some beautiful women for me everywhere I go. It has never taken long, before I'm in a tremendous friendship where we can share our hearts, minds, fears, joys, and struggles. There are several, and I thank God for the time (at times too brief) that I've had with each of you...Bree, Nancy, Liza, Cherry, April, Rochelle, Holly, Marsha, Christa, Andrea, Kathy, Anna.

5- Unexpected Movie Line. "Time served. You are guilty, and you are free to go." I was watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose and when that line was spoken, it completely stunned me. It was a strange feeling, everything just stopped for a moment. I realized, Christ has served the time for my continued guilt, but because of Him, I am free to go. Thank you, Jesus.

So what are your Top 5 SSEs?

Crap! Mr. Wright, already has question #2 up; What the Hell is Wrong with People? I use to know someone who always said, 'F%$#ing People!' I guess that means we're just all screwed up, and as another friend has written, 'I (still) need God.'

What now?

2006-01-23T14:37:00.000-08:00
Now here's a question for some of you....what do you do when you feel you've missed an opportunity that God wanted you to act in and now the moment is gone?

Forgiveness

2006-01-23T10:53:00.000-08:00
I have forgiven many things and people in my life; insults that I considered huge. Now I realize I need to forgive someone else, myself.

God, What if?

2006-01-09T15:39:00.000-08:00

I woke up one recent morning with two songs chasing each other through my head.
(The following is the rendention in my head...the real lyrics will follow.)

God, sometimes you just don't come through,
God, sometimes you just don't come through.

But what if your wrong? What if there's more?
(repeat x10 or so)

Sometimes I just feel like nothing is working out. Sometimes I feel like I'm free falling and the hard unforgiving ground is coming up pretty quick. It's times like these that I think to myself, "Where is God right now, in the midst of all of this? Is He going to come through? If something doesn't happen soon there won't be much of me left. I'll go splat."

I fear the splat so it must be a bad thing, right? Or is it the splat that will be the beginning of the big "Ahh-haa" moment? So then I'm left to wonder, if I do go splat, is He real? Was it His blessing or His lesson, or is it just the chance of the good and bad breaks of life? God, what if you aren't real? What if you are?

Just a little thought to get those intellectual and spiritual parts of you stretched...

(oh, here's the full lyrics to the songs of Ms Amos and Ms Nordeman)

God, sometimes you just don't come through
God, sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you
God, sometimes you just don't come through

You make pretty daisies, pretty daisies love
I gotta find what you're doing about things here
A few witches burning gets a little toasty here
I gotta find
Why you always go
When the wind blows

God, sometimes you just don't come through
God, sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you
God, sometimes you just don't come through

Tell me you're crazy maybe then I'll understand
You got your 9 iron in the back seat just in case
You heard you've gone south
Well, baby, you love your new 4 wheel
I gotta find
Why you always go
When the wind blows

Will you even tell her
If you decide to make the sky fall
Will you even tell her
If you decide to make the sky fall

God, sometimes you just don't come through
God, sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you
God, sometimes you just don't come through
--Tori Amos, God

What if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you

And what if it’s true?
What if he takes his palace in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

What if you dig, What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions inside
That’s all you find

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold

You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land so long

But what if you’re wrong?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?
--Nichole Nordeman, What If?

People Watching

2005-12-23T05:20:00.000-08:00

Hey there! Well I'm out of town for a few days. I flew to NC and let me tell you about some of things I've seen...

#1 The most severe mullet I've seen (ever). Not only was it a mullet, but it obviously had product in it to make it spikey on top, and she had blond highlights in her dark brown hair. I think she curled under the ends of the long part ("the party"). That made my eyes finally pop open at 6:45am the other morning, as I sat in the airport.

#2 The most beautiful angelic little girl I have ever seen. She was on the 2nd and shorter leg of her travels from Las Vegas. I asked her parents when they started; they left Las Vegas at midnight and were on the 8am flight to NC. That explaines all the tangles in this little 4 year old beauty's hair. It was so weird, I couldn't stop looking over at her. (It's not a bio-clock thing...she didn't make me want to have one. The little girl was just captivating.)

#3 A womens basketball team was on the plane with me. When I use to travel for team sports we had to dress up. I guess not anymore. The women were all in sweats (sporting the school logo). They were all frumpy looking and kind of rude. If I were the school, I'd rip my logo off of those sweats. I must say, one girl looked ridiculous. I know it's a "fashion" thing and it's in, for some guys, and if I saw this on a young male athlete, I wouldn't have mentally chuckled, just yawned. This girl had pulled the right leg of her sweats up to her knee and the left down. It just looked so out of place on a chick, especially as she met her man at baggage claim.

#4 An airport policeman; you know the ones that tell you to move your car along? At Raleigh the policeman are like vultures (in a good way), as soon as your brake lights come on, they are walking towards your car to tell you to go around again. Anyway... There was a man in his 40s who pulled up in a minivan, he quickly ran inside and back out. He walked up to the police officer and explained his situation. He was there to pick up his 80 something year old wheelchair bound father, who he saw an airport attendant take back inside the airport. The police officer told him, he could go look inside. Then the man said, but my baby is in the van. The officer went inside to find the elderly father and came back out and then watched the van/baby while the man went in to ID himself and pick up his dad. (The entire time, you should have seen all the cars build up around the curb...there were cars parallel parked 2-3 deep from the curb.)

#5 The backs of my eyelids, finally. After only sleeping 2.5 hours the night before I left (a nap according to my ride), I got here and at some point slept.

#6 Oh, how could I overlook this one. I saw a friend of mine at 6AM pull up in front of our house to give me a ride to the airport....I didn't think he existed until at least noon! Thanks, man.

Chaos: Strike the Match

2005-12-20T19:43:00.000-08:00

Tonight Aaron and I went out for a movie. We went to see Syriana. I highly recommend it for adult audiences. I'll warn you there are some graphic scenes (this adult chose to turn her head for a moment or two).

I think I started pondering the relationship between energy and chaos sometime during the first Gulf War. Maybe it was all the news clips showing us the burning oil fields. Mind you I'm not talking about physics. Well maybe it applies somehow, but I took physics 101, a.k.a. Physics for Poets, so I wouldn't know if it does somehow apply to physics. No, I'm talking about people.

I wonder what it will look like if our energy resources are depleted. I have a sickening feeling that the world as we know it will turn into chaos. Think back to how people responded after Katrina, after they were left stranded for awhile. Then there is always the scene with the minivan near the ferry in the recent movie War of the Worlds. The thought of such chaos has been a bit disturbing to me, and so I choose to safely push it back into my mind as something that could happen, but hopefully won't in my lifetime.

Tonight I thought a little more about this potential chaos. I realized that it is not so much a matter of if the match will be struck, as it is when will the match strike. As I pushed that thought around in my head for a bit, I realized something far more realistic. The match has already been struck, and for us, in the Western hemisphere, the chaos seems contained to "over there." It is only a matter of time before the flame of chaos spreads and engulfs society as we know it.

So, I don't know. Some people think it would be wrong to fight a war for the control of oil. What would you do one winter, if your baby's lips are a little blue and she's crying, there's no more electric or gas to heat the house, and you've burnt the last of your furniture? What if a war broke out for the control of water, or food?

I don't have the answers, and I think it's all pretty frightening. Really, I'm just thinking out loud tonight.

Can You Smell the Smoke?

2005-12-20T13:26:00.000-08:00
Thanks to an email from a friend, I'm just thinking about this and a little bit of this and that.

Now do you have any smoldering thoughts?

Last Minute Christmas Shopping?

2005-12-18T07:39:00.000-08:00

Last Minute Christmas Shopping?
Are you still scrambling to find gifts for everyone on your list? Check out The Steves' Store for truly....umh....truly....well let's just say, unique (?) gifts for that twisted someone on your Christmas list.
Hurry! Only one day left for the 2 day shipping discount.

Name Game

2005-12-13T07:15:00.000-08:00

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and street name)
Lady Tangley

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on mother's side first name, favorite candy)
Jinx (I think I’d be a one name star….I mean really what do you follow up Jinx with?)

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
CMAX
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite animal, name of high school mascot)
Tiger Fighting Cardinal (Sounds more like a cool Asian movie, or my Native American name)
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Leigh Houston
6. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME: (name of dad/mom, cell phone Company you use)
Keith C Bell
7. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Maxianelr
**Thanks for the fun, Kitty Red Devil!**

Drinking Martinis with My Pastor's Wife

2005-12-04T21:28:00.000-08:00

I went to Baba Budan's in Clifton and enjoyed their signature drink with a very cool chick. Yes, she happens to be my pastor's wife.

Now, the pastors' wives that I watched growing up wore the long floral dresses, and either wore their hair in a bun and no make up, their hair was 3 feet X 3 feet and their make up rubbed off on you as you stepped foot into the church. I don't remember hearing a pastor's wife talk about the challenges of marriage, motherhood, career, family holidays, or The Role of The Pastor's Wife. Everything was always so wonderful, so nice, so perfect, so full of content, so unachievable.

I'm so grateful to have a pastor's wife that I can sit down with and have a drink with and really get to know. She occasionally gives us vignettes into her person, her heart. I want to know my pastor's wife is real, you know? It's so great to know that she understands the challenges of life; to know when you share with her, it's OK. She isn't taking you off of the church Christmas party list, because you aren't the perfect, put together, everything's wonderful woman. No, you are on the Christmas party list, because God blessed her with a big warm heart, a laid back easy way, and desire to occassionally have a round of martini's with the (not so perfect) girls.

Cheers, Brooke!

Up Against the Wall

2005-12-02T19:03:00.000-08:00
Tonight I met up with a great group of girlfriends. Ahhh, this is always a treasured treat. We get together about one Friday a month for dinner and a movie. This evening it was BaBa's and then the Esquire.

As you may have guessed we went to Shopgirl, not a movie that I was particularly interested in watching. In the spirit of going out together I sucked it up and joined the crowd. (I was even provided with a 1/2 price ticket...thanks girls!)

Now, that being said, let me explain something. A few years ago I was in an airport, bored. I wondered into those cleverly placed bookshops and purchased Shopgirl. The cover photo reminded me of someone, and I liked the title. I actually thought that the author must have been someone else who happened to share a name with the actor. It took awhile to get into, but all books do that for me. I sat in the airport and read a little. I read a little more on the plane until I fell asleep; something I always do very easily in flight. On my trip I read a little each evening, and occasionally during the day while I drank ice tea outside under the trees. I read and I read and I read, but I could never get into it. I believe, I read it about 2/3s through before giving up. It was so depressing and just seemed to be wallowing in it with no change in sight. At the time, I felt that life has enough drama of it's own, I don't really need to read about some fictitious brokenness.

OK, so that is the complaint with the book, and I really must move on to the story of our movie night. So I purchased my 1/2 priced ticket, and then stepped inline for a little popcorn. Heck, if I was going to this movie, I was at least going to have a rare little treat. I was the first one down the isle and lead our group into an empty row. I don't care to step over people who are already seated. I sat next to Candyce and up against the wall.

Because I do remember a little bit of the book, the beginning was very predictable. Lonely, sort of wall flower girl is, well lonely. She reluctantly but desperately hooks up with goofy looser dude, Jeremy. He's the kind of guy that if you hook up with him, you never tell your your girls about, and you hope no one ever finds out. As it would turn out (funny, it almost always works this way), "Mr. Wonderful,"or Ray now steps into the scene, and our Shopgirl finds herself trying to shrug off goofy looser dude, who has suddenly become puppy-love affectionate, in order to pursue something with Ray. Soon the looser leaves the scene and she is free to enjoy Ray. Early in the relationship, Ray makes it clear that he is emotionally unavailable, but would like to continue to see our Shopgirl. There are many seemingly wonderful things that happen for the Shopgirl, and she seems to overlook the "emotionally unavailable" speech. It would seem that Ray has, too. Eventually things start to fall apart and Ray breaks her heart, but then drags it around for awhile, and Shopgirl tries to continue with this relationship. Finally, the point comes when Shopgirl decides to trade the fake romance in and take on the hurt of love lost. She enters into a new relationship with a young and eager to love guy (formerly known as goofy looser dude). They have each been broken, and this time around they slowly extend more of their hearts to on another, and this is the relationship that eclipses Ray. "Yeah," for the Shopgirl and "Yeah," for Jeremy. So sad for Ray.

So there I sat, up against the wall. I felt myself pressing closer to the wall at times. I had a Ray (funny, most Ray's turn out to be the one that you don't want anyone to know about)...he wasn't 50 something, but he was older and "emotionally unavailable." I was young and waiting to be noticed and wanted. He noticed and he wanted. I decided that was enough; better than nothing at all, right? Don't feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for Shopgirl. I was an adult, I was young, but I did have some choices. I just chose to ignore some issues.

At this point, if you are a girl reading this, don't respond out of loneliness and desperation, by settling on a relationship. When you are desperate and lonely, call on your true friends. The people who love you and would fight tooth and nail for you. You shouldn't have to settle for ANYTHING. There is a man out there that will "leap tall buildings in a single bound" for you. OK, that might be impossible, but there is a man that will rise to the occassion because of you and only for you. He will protect your heart.

For all you fellas out there, well I hope you never become a Ray. It was quite sad to watch how much Ray really did want to emotionally connect, but instead to protect himself, kept this beauty at a distance, thus hurting her and losing out on something wonderful for himself. You should know that there is a Beauty out there for you. Do you want anyone else hurting her right now? Further more, do you really want a girl to settle for you because she's desperate, and then lies to her friends about you? Don't you want to be the man that eclipses all other lovers?

Strangely enough I appreciated the movie (obviously). It didn't make me feel that hot, but there were somethings for me to consider and I think to share with you.

Please Pass The Glue Stick: Artistic Interpretations on Mommy-hood

2005-12-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

The women's small group I've been a part of for about 2 years has been growing. Three of the 8 (and now 10) members had four little girls this past year. Recently I found a quote on line from The Kite Runner and sent it to them (being the "clever" non-mommy that I am). They decided to share their interpretations with me (suddenly realizing that I don't have a clue). Anyway, I thought you too might enjoy them (and possibly identify with them).

"Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them in with your favorite colors."
--The Kite Runner

"I think they are more free hand because you don't have a guide, most of the time you can see the apples on the table but you have to figure out how to get that image on the paper."
--Sharon, mommy of the precious twins (aka she who never sleeps)

"I think they are more of a collage, where you have all the pieces to work with, they have all been cut out for you and some of them are even glued in place for you, but you get to decide where to glue some of the pieces. "
--Marnie, mommy of the dinosaur fanatic, the princess in pink, and most recently, the third sweat pea in the pod.

I just had to email him

2005-11-30T21:07:00.000-08:00

This is a copy of an email that I just had to send, but more importantly I had to share it with you, so you can start thinking and talking it over with God.

Note to the reader: This isn't a commentary on the event at Baylor, more my response to the general message I'm understanding from your writing found at http://www.newswithviews.com/PaulProctor/proctor82.htm .

I agree with this "Clearly, any man or woman who disobeys the physical laws God has established in this earthly domain risks dying a physical death, as evidenced by the tragic event at Baylor. It should also be noted that those who violate the spiritual laws of God risk death." (By the way, I find it interesting that you cut the quote from your writing short for the margin. I agree with the quote in the margin.)

I see all the scripture you have included. I think many of the scriptures you point out are commands for Christ followers. The prostitute, the tax collector, the diseased, the adulteress, the wedding party; these are the people that Christ encountered every day. He showed them love first. He had an interest in their lives, and He met a very real personal, physical, emotional need first. He met them where they were. Have you ever really thought about why He was accused of being a drunkard? I think it would be because He was hanging out with drunk people. He established a relationship with people (people that weren’t too highly regarded), then He invited them. The people He was the harshest with, were the religious types (aka the Pharisees). I think they were held to a higher standard because supposedly they knew God and God's ways. Ironically, all those years of learning, teaching, and prophesy (the Old Testament is full to the brim with it), and they were missing what was right in front of their eyes. Maybe for a person such as you, the "Emerging Church" doesn't offer enough meat, but it draws so many lost and searching people closer to God. I don't think every Christian church is for every Christian, every day. We are all God's children (believers or not), and some kids need milk for awhile, while other children at times can stomach a complex and full 7 coarse meal.

I would also like to address your concerns about acknowledging beauty and enjoyment. Everything God made was good. He designed everything. Yes the enemy does his best to distort anything good and perverse the good things...including us and God's word, but ultimately everything good came from God. I don't plan on worshipping the smell of my morning coffee, but to stop and enjoy that moment, thank God for that quiet moment, that simple pleasure. Can't we and shouldn't we honor God, praise God, point to God's glory, and say thank you to God for all the good things He has provided, the miraculous and the seemingly simple? Even when we are fasting, He tells us not to wear a long face and tell everyone how much we are going without. It should be in secret, something private between Him and me. Reading the scriptures and the context in which you use them in your writing, it sounds as if God wants us to be miserable here on earth. Interesting, because didn't He put us here? Didn't He send His Son here? Doesn't He desire for us to be joyful and receive His Love, His Living water. Isn't it through the beauty and mystery of Him (and all He has done and does) that constantly draws us to Him? His actions, His creation, His design…they are all good, because they are His, right?

I'm including the entire text of Matthew 6 and 9 and John 4 from the Amplified Bible Version obtained off of http://www.biblegateway.com/ I include the entire text, bible version, and resource so the reader can read it and determine the appropriateness of my reference, as well as hopefully give the reader a better understanding of God. These are examples of how I understand Jesus meeting flawed people, like you, me, anyone else who reads this or doesn't. It doesn't answer everything, nor do I, but I think the scriptures, what you have written, what I've written, things that many Christians and seekers have written, all show facets of God, and all show facets of our flawed selves. Thankfully there is God's grace, which is full of a lot of love, much patience, and all truth. Fortunately, God's grace can fill in the cracks between our words and I AM.

-thegirl

PS I’m posting this here www.dankimball.com/vintage_faith/ (where I found it) and here http://www.ianua.org/weblog.php?id=D20051116 (were dankimball found it) and I will probably post it on my site http://www.agirloutthere.blogspot.com/ Had there been a place to leave comments to your writings, I might not have posted this email letter elsewhere, but I think writings such as these demand discussion. There is some truth in what you are writing (as well as what the others and what I’m writing), but there is a whole heck of a lotta’ human up in there, too.

Matthew 6
1TAKE CARE not to do your good deeds publicly or before men, in order to be seen by them; otherwise you will have no reward [[a]reserved for and awaiting you] with and from your Father Who is in heaven.
2Thus, whenever you give to the poor, do not blow a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites in the synagogues and in the streets like to do, that they may be [b]recognized and honored and praised by men. Truly I tell you, they have their reward [c]in full already.
3But when you give to charity, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,
4So that your deeds of charity may be in secret; and your Father Who sees in secret will reward you openly.
5Also when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by people. Truly I tell you, they have their reward [d]in full already.
6But when you pray, go into your [most] private room, and, closing the door, pray to your Father, Who is in secret; and your Father, Who sees in secret, will reward you in the open.
7And when you pray, do not heap up phrases (multiply words, repeating the same ones over and over) as the Gentiles do, for they think they will be heard for their much speaking. [I Kings 18:25-29.]
8Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.
9Pray, therefore, like this: Our Father Who is in heaven, hallowed (kept holy) be Your name.
10Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
11Give us this day our daily bread.
12And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven ([e]left, remitted, and let go of the debts, and have [f]given up resentment against) our debtors.
13And lead (bring) us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.
14For if you forgive people their trespasses [their [g]reckless and willful sins, [h]leaving them, letting them go, and [i]giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
15But if you do not forgive others their trespasses [their [j]reckless and willful sins, [k]leaving them, letting them go, and [l]giving up resentment], neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses.
16And whenever you are fasting, do not look gloomy and [m]sour and [n]dreary like the hypocrites, for they put on a dismal countenance, that their fasting may be apparent to and seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward [o]in full already.(A)
17But when you fast, perfume your head and wash your face,
18So that your fasting may not be noticed by men but by your Father, Who sees in secret; and your Father, Who sees in secret, will reward you in the open.
19Do not [p]gather and heap up and store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust and worm consume and destroy, and where thieves break through and steal.
20But [q]gather and heap up and store for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust nor worm consume and destroy, and where thieves do not break through and steal;
21For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
22The eye is the lamp of the body. So if your eye is sound, your entire body will be full of light.
23But if your eye is unsound, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the very light in you [your [r]conscience] is darkened, how dense is that darkness!
24No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will stand by and be devoted to the one and despise and be [s]against the other. You cannot serve God and mammon ([t]deceitful riches, money, possessions, or [u]whatever is trusted in).
25Therefore I tell you, stop being [v]perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing?
26Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?
27And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the [w]span of his life?(B)
28And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and [x]learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin.
29Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his [y]magnificence (excellence, dignity, and grace) was not arrayed like one of these. [I Kings 10:4-7.]
30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith?
31Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?
32For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.
33But seek ([z]aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness ([aa]His way of doing and being right), and then all these things [ab]taken together will be given you besides.
34So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.

Matthew 9
View commentary related to this passage
Matthew 9
1AND JESUS, getting into a boat, crossed to the other side and came to His own town [Capernaum].
2And behold, they brought to Him a man paralyzed and prostrated by illness, lying on a sleeping pad; and when Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralyzed man, Take courage, son; your sins are forgiven and the [a]penalty remitted.
3And behold, some of the scribes said to themselves, This man blasphemes [He claims the rights and prerogatives of God]!
4But Jesus, knowing ([b]seeing) their thoughts, said, Why do you think evil and harbor [c]malice in your hearts?
5For which is easier: to say, Your sins are forgiven and the [d]penalty remitted, or to say, Get up and walk?
6But in order that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins and [e]remit the penalty, He then said to the paralyzed man, Get up! Pick up your sleeping pad and go to your own house.
7And he got up and went away to his own house.
8When the crowds saw it, they were struck with fear and awe; and they [f]recognized God and praised and thanked Him, Who had given such power and authority to men.
9As Jesus passed on from there, He saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's office; and He said to him, [g]Be My disciple [side with My party and follow Me]. And he rose and followed Him.
10And as Jesus reclined at table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and [h][especially wicked] sinners came and sat (reclined) with Him and His disciples.
11And when the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, Why does your Master eat with tax collectors and those [preeminently] sinful?
12But when Jesus heard it, He replied, Those who are strong and well (healthy) have no need of a physician, but those who are weak and sick.
13Go and learn what this means: I desire mercy [that is, [i]readiness to help those in trouble] and not sacrifice and sacrificial victims. For I came not to call and invite [to repentance] the righteous (those who are upright and in right standing with God), but sinners (the erring ones and all those not free from sin).(A)
14Then the disciples of John came to Jesus, inquiring, Why is it that we and the Pharisees fast [j]often, [that is, abstain from food and drink as a religious exercise], but Your disciples do not fast?
15And Jesus replied to them, Can the wedding guests mourn while the bridegroom is still with them? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast.
16And no one puts a piece of cloth that has not been shrunk on an old garment, for such a patch tears away from the garment and a worse rent (tear) is made.
17Neither is new wine put in old wineskins; for if it is, the skins burst and are [k]torn in pieces, and the wine is spilled and the skins are ruined. But new wine is put into fresh wineskins, and so both are preserved.
18While He was talking this way to them, behold, a ruler entered and, kneeling down, worshiped Him, saying, My daughter has just [l]now died; but come and lay Your hand on her, and she will come to life.
19And Jesus got up and accompanied him, with His disciples.
20And behold, a woman who had suffered from a flow of blood for twelve years came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His garment;(B)
21For she kept saying to herself, If I only touch His garment, I shall be restored to health.
22Jesus turned around and, seeing her, He said, Take courage, daughter! Your faith has made you well. And at once the woman was restored to health.
23And when Jesus came to the ruler's house and saw the flute players and the crowd making an uproar and din,
24He said, Go away; for the girl is not dead but sleeping. And they laughed and jeered at Him.
25But when the crowd had been ordered to go outside, He went in and took her by the hand, and the girl arose.
26And the news about this spread through all that district.
27As Jesus passed on from there, two blind men followed Him, shouting loudly, Have pity and mercy on us, Son of David!
28When He reached the house and went in, the blind men came to Him, and Jesus said to them, Do you believe that I am able to do this? They said to Him, Yes, Lord.
29Then He touched their eyes, saying, According to your faith and trust and reliance [on the power invested in Me] be it done to you;
30And their eyes were opened. And Jesus earnestly and sternly charged them, See that you let no one know about this.
31But they went off and blazed and spread His fame abroad throughout that whole district.
32And while they were going away, behold, a dumb man under the power of a demon was brought to Jesus.
33And when the demon was driven out, the dumb man spoke; and the crowds were stunned with bewildered wonder, saying, Never before has anything like this been seen in Israel.
34But the Pharisees said, He drives out demons through and with the help of the prince of demons.
35And Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the good news (the Gospel) of the kingdom and curing all kinds of disease and every weakness and infirmity.
36When He saw the throngs, He was moved with pity and sympathy for them, because they were bewildered (harassed and distressed and dejected and helpless), like sheep without a shepherd.(C)
37Then He said to His disciples, The harvest is indeed plentiful, but the laborers are few.
38So pray to the Lord of the harvest to [m]force out and thrust laborers into His harvest.

John 4
1NOW WHEN the Lord knew (learned, became aware) that the Pharisees had been told that Jesus was winning and baptizing more disciples than John--
2Though Jesus Himself did not baptize, but His disciples--
3He left Judea and returned to Galilee.
4It was necessary for Him to go through Samaria.
5And in doing so, He arrived at a Samaritan town called Sychar, near the tract of land that Jacob gave to his son Joseph.
6And Jacob's well was there. So Jesus, tired as He was from His journey, sat down [to rest] by the well. It was then about the sixth hour (about noon).
7Presently, when a woman of Samaria came along to draw water, Jesus said to her, Give Me a drink--
8For His disciples had gone off into the town to buy food--
9The Samaritan woman said to Him, How is it that [a]You, being a Jew, ask me, a Samaritan [and a] woman, for a drink?--For the Jews have nothing to do with the Samaritans--
10Jesus answered her, If you had only known and had recognized God's gift and Who this is that is saying to you, Give Me a drink, you would have asked Him [instead] and He would have given you living water.
11She said to Him, Sir, You have nothing to draw with [no drawing bucket] and the well is deep; how then can You provide living water? [Where do You get Your living water?]
12Are You greater than and superior to our ancestor Jacob, who gave us this well and who used to drink from it himself, and his sons and his cattle also?
13Jesus answered her, All who drink of this water will be thirsty again.
14But whoever takes a drink of the water that I will give him shall never, no never, be thirsty any more. But the water that I will give him shall become a spring of water welling up (flowing, bubbling) [continually] within him unto (into, for) eternal life.
15The woman said to Him, Sir, give me this water, so that I may never get thirsty nor have to come [continually all the way] here to draw.
16At this, Jesus said to her, Go, call your husband and come back here.
17The woman answered, I have no husband. Jesus said to her, You have spoken truly in saying, I have no husband.
18For you have had five husbands, and the man you are now living with is not your husband. In this you have spoken truly.
19The woman said to Him, Sir, I see and understand that You are a prophet.
20Our forefathers worshiped on this mountain, but you [Jews] say that Jerusalem is the place where it is necessary and proper to worship.
21Jesus said to her, Woman, believe Me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither [merely] in this mountain nor [merely] in Jerusalem.
22You [Samaritans] do not know what you are worshiping [you worship what you do not comprehend]. We do know what we are worshiping [we worship what we have knowledge of and understand], for [after all] salvation comes from [among] the Jews.
23A time will come, however, indeed it is already here, when the true (genuine) worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth (reality); for the Father is seeking just such people as these as His worshipers.
24God is a Spirit (a spiritual Being) and those who worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth (reality).
25The woman said to Him, I know that Messiah is coming, He Who is called the Christ (the Anointed One); and when He arrives, He will tell us everything we need to know and make it clear to us.
26Jesus said to her, I Who now speak with you am He.
27Just then His disciples came and they wondered (were surprised, astonished) to find Him talking with a woman [a married woman]. However, not one of them asked Him, What are You inquiring about? or What do You want? or, Why do You speak with her?
28Then the woman left her water jar and went away to the town. And she began telling the people,
29Come, see a Man Who has told me everything that I ever did! Can this be [is not this] the Christ? [Must not this be the Messiah, the Anointed One?]
30So the people left the town and set out to go to Him.
31Meanwhile, the disciples urged Him saying, Rabbi, eat something.
32But He assured them, I have food (nourishment) to eat of which you know nothing and have no idea.
33So the disciples said one to another, Has someone brought Him something to eat?
34Jesus said to them, My food (nourishment) is to do the will (pleasure) of Him Who sent Me and to accomplish and completely finish His work.
35Do you not say, It is still four months until harvest time comes? Look! I tell you, raise your eyes and observe the fields and see how they are already white for harvesting.
36Already the reaper is getting his wages [he who does the cutting now has his reward], for he is gathering fruit (crop) unto life eternal, so that he who does the planting and he who does the reaping may rejoice together.
37For in this the saying holds true, One sows and another reaps.
38I sent you to reap a crop for which you have not toiled. Other men have labored and you have stepped in to reap the results of their work.
39Now numerous Samaritans from that town believed in and trusted in Him because of what the woman said when she declared and testified, He told me everything that I ever did.
40So when the Samaritans arrived, they asked Him to remain with them, and He did stay there two days.
41Then many more believed in and adhered to and relied on Him because of His personal message [what He Himself said].
42And they told the woman, Now we no longer believe (trust, have faith) just because of what you said; for we have heard Him ourselves [personally], and we know that He truly is the Savior of the world, the Christ.
43But after these two days Jesus went on from there into Galilee--
44Although He Himself declared that a prophet has no honor in his own country.
45However, when He came into Galilee, the Galileans also welcomed Him and took Him to their hearts eagerly, for they had seen everything that He did in Jerusalem during the Feast; for they too had attended the Feast.
46So Jesus came again to Cana of Galilee, where He had turned the water into wine. And there was a certain royal official whose son was lying ill in Capernaum.
47Having heard that Jesus had come back from Judea into Galilee, he went away to meet Him and began to beg Him to come down and cure his son, for he was lying at the point of death.
48Then Jesus said to him, Unless you see signs and miracles happen, you [people] never will believe (trust, have faith) at all.
49The king's officer pleaded with Him, Sir, do come down at once before my little child is dead!
50Jesus answered him, Go in peace; your son will live! And the man put his trust in what Jesus said and started home.
51But even as he was on the road going down, his servants met him and reported, saying, Your son lives!
52So he asked them at what time he had begun to get better. They said, Yesterday during the seventh hour (about one o'clock in the afternoon) the fever left him.
53Then the father knew that it was at that very hour when Jesus had said to him, Your son will live. And he and his entire household believed (adhered to, trusted in, and relied on Jesus).
54This is the second sign (wonderwork, miracle) that Jesus performed after He had come out of Judea into Galilee.

Thanks

2005-11-26T07:16:00.000-08:00
Brent
Emily
Nancy
Liza
Sam
Janette
Barbie
Bree
Chris

Throwing a Hail Mary

2005-11-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

I want to know what that is. If you don't know specifically, what do you think? I know things weren't that great between you and Grandma. What was it between you? Did she have something going on? Did you? I remember you drinking wine in the evening, while you made dinner, with dinner, while you cleaned up, and when you went to bed. Was that part of something? I remember you crying a lot in your room, but none of us ever knew why. Was that part of something? I remember you getting so mad at us girls. Was that part of something? I remember hearing about Grandma drinking something that made her so sick she had to go to the hospital. Was that part of something? I have seen you and Uncle David and Sophie and myself completely rage. Is that part of something? You once told us girls that there was something you had wanted to talk with us about for sometime, but then it was dropped. Was that part of something? You once told me that Grandpa beat Grandma. Was that part of something?

I know it can't be.... well it's probably downright crappy feeling to read through this. I am sorry for that. My purpose is not to make YOU feel bad in any way. My purpose is to understand what's going on with me. I've been unhappy for quite some time now. I'm afraid to change things up...it might be the wrong change. I have recently discovered that I don't and many times can't trust others. I think it is this trust issue that stifles my relationship with and cripples my ability to love God, my husband, friends, family and you. I'm trying to work out this stuff in my life. Until now, I've been cutting off whatever is painful for me. Now I'm just pretty numb.

So this is why I'm asking all these questions. If you are offended or otherwise hurt, again I am sorry. If you decide not to address any of this, that's fine; you have to handle it for yourself. Well it won't quite be fine, as I'll still be at a loss, but I'm not going to hound you for answers or change our relationship. You have to be free to do this honestly.

Throwing a Hail Mary,

Your little girl

Security

2005-10-28T13:38:00.000-07:00
"What are you trusting to Me?"

"But what do I have? I'm not a superstar with those talents or that amount of influence. I'm just me."

"Oh, you have your marriage, your joy, your jobs, your health, your house, your relationships, your security. Yes, I know it is hard for you to give Me your security. You haven't experienced security from many if any, so you don't understand it."

"So how do I give that to You? How do I let go? Let go of something that I really don't even know. Wait, how am I'm clinging to something that I haven't experienced or understood? Why do I? God will you teach me what security is? Teach me, so I can know what I'm giving over to You. "

Wow, this is weird. I don't understand what I am so desperately clutching. I'm hanging on to something that has almost no meaning at all for me. If you don't understand a word, more than likely you don't use it. If you don't know about a computer program, you wouldn't use it. If you don't know a person, you wouldn't cling to that friendship.

Irony is...

2005-10-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

Irony is when there are 73 pieces of trash within 5 sq meters on the street & a man is sweeping up the leaves & putting them in a trash bucket. ---From Spit and Patience

Irony is when gas is pushing $3.50/gallon at the pump & a semi-truck is hauling a single F150 down the interstate.

Irony is when someone prefaces one's thought with, "I'm not racist, but..."

Irony is wedding fruitcake...you think I'm lying, check it out and see for yourself.

Irony is laughing about something horrible to somehow make it seem less horrible. ---paraphrased from Secretly Ironic

One of these things is not like the others...

2005-10-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

Remember that song? It's always struck a chord with me.

It always seems to fit, and I never do. Like a size 9 trying to wear a size 8; it can be done, but you are constantly reminded you don't quite fit. Almost, but not quite.

I have a large circle of friends, but I'm either in the middle or standing on the outside, never a part of the circle. I'm there, but awkward. For a long time it hurt.

In junior high, I was part of the "Six Pack," but different, like a 40 (the same thing, but missing the loops).

In high school I hung with many groups, but I don't know that anyone in particular claimed me. In high school it felt cool for the most part. I transcended cliques. OOOhh, AAhhh... Actually it didn't matter much to me at the time, as the core of my life, my family, was falling apart.

In college, I was just f#$%ing lost. For awhile I was in a sorority...damn did that take me back to junior high. Eventually, other lost people found me or I found them. We clung to each other and numbed out all the weirdness in our lives with, of course, more weirdness; but at least we all fit in, right?

Summertime of 1995 I found God. It was awesome. I was all alone, but that didn't matter at all. In the fall of 1995 I sought out some God believing friends and they introduced me to more friends. I liked these friends. They were older, smart, "wiser," and just cool to be around. They were goofy and cool all wrapped into one, like a chocolate-vanilla soft serve cone. Unfortunately we all went our separate ways. Actually, I moved away, they started making babies, and the natural drifting followed.

I moved around a lot. Family and friends scattered around the globe. I was lonely and feeling lost again. "A girl without a country," a friend once said. I found a strange connection with that phrase. No place has ever felt like home since I was 15 years old. Right now I just really want a home.

Again, I feel like the "one of these things that's not like the others..." I have a huge circle of friends that are great, but I feel I'm not really in the circle, just around it, or surrounded by it, or something. It makes me sad. These are all wonderful people, just not quite home.

Right nowI just really want a home. I want to fit.

Maybe I'm expecting fellowship or friendship to fill up my homesickness for Christ. Maybe this awkwardness, this homesickness, this longing, is all there to keep me in pursuit of Him; seeking more relationship, learning more about Him, communing more with Him.

Each of us is part of the body God's design, and we share much together, but He is our life. We were made for the body, but not by the body. He is our creator. Praise Him!!

God, first, may I find my sustenance in You. May Your Spirit dwell in my inner being and Christ in my heart, that I may then go out and fully and joyfully interact with the body and through the body to proclaim Your good news. Amen.

Some scriptures that I'm learning from...

2 Timothy 4:16-17 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it.

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and campassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ecclesiastes 4:7-12 Again I saw somthing meaningless under the sun: There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?" This too is meaningless-- a miserable business! Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ephesians 3:14-19 For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and extablished in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long the hight and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 2:13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.

Ephesians 2:19-22 Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

John 1:3-4 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men.

a happy list...

2005-10-01T06:05:00.000-07:00

A Happy List...

Name 10 things that bring you a moment of joy, and then tag 5 friends to do the same.
(Thanks Candyce! This was a great exercise.)

1. Waking up to the smell and sizzle of breakfast.

2. Having a cup of coffee with a friend.

3. Finishing a book. I start so many, it's a real accomplishment to actually finish one.

4. Early morning walks/jogs. I enjoy that time of morning when it is just light, but no one else is out and about yet.

5. When a really great song comes on the radio AND I happen to know the words. 2 minutes of my rockstar life.

6. Talking with my sisters. Visiting is best, but a real conversation on the phone is good, too.

7. Sitting at Mammoth Coffee, Rohs Street, Fido, Cafe Driade, The Flying Star, or Shelby's with a a cup a joe and my journal.

8. Holding hands with Aaron.

9. Waking up to a big heavy rain...and knowing I can sleep in some more or enjoy a book and a coffee while listening to the drizzling symphony.

10. Nature's beauty... mountain drives, forest hikes, rustling aspens, ice cold river water, Jax Beach at sunrise, foggy mornings, hills full of turning leaves...

Bonus Activity for you... The first person to tell me what this photo is will get a free cup a joe from me. Everyone has access to the answer.

Tag You're It: QuayVegas, Longing for More, Not so Strange, Kalla, Jen Chi Chi

24 Hours Before You Leave...

2005-09-28T05:34:00.000-07:00
...And we fight.
We're both so uptight,
letting everything fly.
Extreme rage and hurt;
nothing to honor our Father on high.

I scream,
your eyes fall.
You walkout,
I begin to ball.

We tear each other apart,
the hours before you leave.

I don't want you to go
You don't want to leave me.
Everytime, everytime.

What's wrong with us?
Barrelling down the road
-- a runaway bus,
smashing everything in our path.

I'm really just sad and scared,
And you, you're lonely and missing me.

Halmark's calling, they say we should hold each other,
whisper sweet nothings in my ear,
enjoy a night of romance.

But it's cold over here,
just me and my pillow.
Puffy eyes,
aching heart,
wounded soul.
Grieving mind,
guilty mouth.

Temporary Constructs of a Feeble Human Intellect

2005-09-19T15:32:00.000-07:00

I recently read a friend's blog that referenced these lines from the Matrix.

"Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love.

Neo's response: Because I choose to."

A choice. Just makes me think alot about the spiritual push back I feel like I've been experiencing lately, specifically dealing with disbelief. Now I realize that I have a choice to believe....hmmmm.

To choose to push through disbelief and the doubt that haunts me...I've discovered it to be incredible; incredibly challenging, incredibly difficult, incredibly disorienting, incredibly frightening, and incredibly humbling. Right now I feel completely weak and almost defeated. I don't understand, I just don't get it. How can a "believer" find herself smotherring in disbelief?

I have chosen to seek council, to receive prayer, to ask for prayer coverage, and to desperately cling to His promises. "Help me Obiwan Kenobi, you're my only hope." God is my only hope that I will not be swallowed up in the hopelessness of mere existance devoid of anthing beyond the tangible.

Right now all I can hope is that choosing to press into Him, some day I will emerge from this place of ambiguity.

Sept 27th 2005

The last two days I've been reading about our role, as humans, in spiritual warfare. Even as I read I felt relief, pooring into me. I don't know that I agree with everything the author is saying, but he has me refocusing on what is important. The author has bolstered my hope written above. I'll choose to press into Him.

I'll choose to praise Him, worship Him, embrace Him, and press into Him as a child does her father when her heart is broken. I will find comfort there. The hurt is still real, but so is the embrace.

I will say I am sorry for the things I've done. I'll repent of my desire for control, answers, my self defined security and success. "For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me." He has always provided for me, sometimes generously and sometimes just enough just in time.

I praise you, Father God! You have given this girl much. You have blessed me with love, knowledge, provision, health and safety, infinite 2nd chances with You and others, and the sacrifice of Your Son. Thank you God!! Thank you. You are mighty! You are holy! None compares to You! Not my disbelief, not my doubt. They are like mere ants, scurring under Your foot. You alone have the power and authority to deal with them.

As for me, I will press into Your embrace and accept Your strength and Your comfort and Your love for me. Thank You for holding me and protecting me when I am weak and vulnerable. Thank You for Your love, Your perfect love.

All the Answers

2005-09-18T05:48:00.000-07:00

sheplaysamartin asked:

1. what color are your favorite pajamas? For the summer, turquoise blue and for the winter a strange purplish-burgandy from Old Navy.

2. how did you know aaron was 'the one'? Well I had noticed him and had one of those from a distance crushes on him for a little over a year. You know, I didn't know his name or his friend's name, but my girlfriend and I sure kept going to vespers at the Wesley foundation and commenting on "the 2 guys in the front." I guess what you are really wanting to know....early in our dating relationship, one night we were driving home from a club and he told me that being in a relationship with me made him want to be closer to God and made him want to be a better man. I nearly ran off the road (I-35 just north of I-240). That was the beginning of many clues.

3. why the gap in your blogging? :) Lots of things going on, especially in my mind and spirit and no real time to capture it all. The last ten minutes of work last night I got a writing rush, so I have a ten minute start of the next blog. It was quite frustrating to get so revved up to write and then have to stop and give report about something totally unrelated. Maybe tonight or tomorrow...

miss. j. a. h. asked:

1-what is your best childhood memory? Sitting at the edge of the garden with my dad. I was about 6 years old. He and I had spent all afternoon working in his vegtable garden. It was a hot evening in Medford, Oklahoma. We were sitting on the railroad tie. He was drinking a beer and I was drinking a 7up out of a can.

2-what are you most afraid of? a phone call.

3-what are your 5 most favorite things?
a. Good smells: lavendar, lilac, rain, knotty pines in Colorado in the heat of summer, wind through the fields of my grandfather's farm, the fresh smell after a shower, the initial breath as you walk into Servatti's, fresh cut grass...
b. Deep conversations.
c. When my husband smiles at me.
d. Overwhelmingly Intense prayer
e. Time spent with close friends.

just me asked:

1-why are you willing to forgive people so easily? I didn't know I did. There have been some real challenging forgivings, but I am free because I finally did forgive. In the last few years, I guess I forgive easily because of God's grace. It's quite humbling for me to think of all that has been forgiven in my life. I've been a real bitch and caused a fair share of hurt to others as well as myself, but God forgave me long before I was even around.

2-what is your one secret you have never told anyone? I'm afraid of a phone call.

3-what are you looking for? purpose.

Chasing each other around with paint rollers

2005-09-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

Last night "someone" (Spicey) said something about "girls just want to have fun." I think she was quoting Cyndi. Anyway in the spirit of having fun I bring you this...

I recently found this on CMHL, who seems to have taken it from Coffeesoup (I love that name; wish I'd thought of it).

Here's to the fun...

1-Ask me three questions. Any 3, no matter how personal, private, or random

2-I have to answer them honestly. I have to answer them all. Read "the fine print:" within REASON.... I won't lie, but I might not give up the answer. So I guess I am a dirty little cheater ;-)

3-consider soliciting the three questions on your own blog..

Now I'm Really Mad

2005-08-26T20:53:00.000-07:00
I am so pissed off!! God, I am sick and tired and boiling with rage!
My heart has broken over and over and over for my brothers and sisters. It's enough!!

I'm fed up with watching my brothers and sisters being sold lies and being lashed down in bondage.

Satan pounces on our vulnerabilities (willing and weak) and he numbs them, twists them, perverses them. If we got hurt, we hardened it up so we can't feel, if we screw up, we hide it away because of the shame and guilt that the enemy puts on us. Then we try to connect. You made us for fellowship, connection with each other. Once we're numb, perverse, and crippled, the enemy lets fly the longing for connection, and he sits back and laughs and cheers, as we try to connect and we screw it up and damage each other; making more places to fill with hurt, guilt, shame, and hardness.

God my blood boils!!! I feel I'll explode!

I see the enemy attacking my brothers, my sisters, and even Your Bride. He is trying with all his might to derail us all. Why God? Why? He knows Your authority, he will not prevail, he will bow to You.

I'm so sick of him smothering my sisters and brothers in the shame and guilt of divorce, sex outside of Your design, abuse, materialism, pregnancy, abortion, suicide, greed, pornography, addictions, false insignificance, the crap put on them by some broken lover, who is really just being used as a tool. A tool of the enemy, who will soon discard them like a used condom. Yeah, I know, "How gross." That's what the enemy wants us to believe, that we are cheap, repulsive, gross, embarrassing, awkward, socially unacceptable, and most importantly we should keep it to ourselves and we shouldn't talk about it.

The enemy can't come into the Light of God. Bring your whole hurt self to the Light. Who cares if another person judges you...they have their own rank baggage that they're trying to swallow and hide.

Christ's suffering was for our "used condoms" and "rank baggage". He died because of these things. He pursues us to free us from them. If we would drop them at His feet, we would be free!!!!! But no. We're ashamed, or shocked, or guilty, or afraid of exposure so we hide it and "no one" can see it; not even we can see it sometimes. Satan can hide it that well.

Christ asks us to give it to Him. We have a choice. Satan on the other hand whispers, "How could you do something so awful, so disgusting, so stupid. You're gross. You're a freak. You don't deserve anything." The enemy plants all this detritus in our soul, to shut us up and to isolate us from one another and from God.

God is equipping us for this battle. I recently read about God "forming an army that marches and fights on their knees." I am being equipped and I am eager for the battle.

Novacaine

2005-08-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

How clever of the enemy! He takes our suffering and he pours on thick his toxic hurt, rage, hate, sorrow, anger, depression, doubt, defeat. He sticks his needle in the tissue all around the damage and he gradually and deliberately numbs you out with his Novacaine. He likes us numbed out, unfeeling, and oblivious. Nothing hurts when we are numb. We can't get burned, we can't feel anything, we just creep along.

I hate that he does that to us. I hate that he does that to you. I'd be like Peter and grab a knife and try to start cutting him up. It's not neccessary though, because Christ crushed the enemy. He defeated Satan for us, for you. He loves you. He has fought and died and triumphed for you. He pursued you when He knew it would cost Him greatly.

Time

2005-08-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

So this might be an urban legend, though I do think there is something to consider here. Time. We only get so much of it and we only get it moment by moment. 50 hours, and then a couple of minutes, several moments later this man was gone.

What have you done with your last 50 hours and all those moments?

Did you stay a little longer after class or at the coffee shop with a friend and find out they really needed that moment with you? Did you go for a walk and meet a new neighbor and discover a new friendship? Did you quiet yourself and shut out all the buzz and gain insight into your life? Did you call someone in your family and tell them you miss them and love them? Did you go to the gym and relieve some pressure and some stress? Did you take a nap and let your body and mind be restored? Did you read something challenging? Did you share something funny? Did you just appreciate your day, moment to moment?

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the technologies of our time. Just stop and think about the moment you're in, be aware of your surroundings and yourself.

What will you do in this moment, right now, the only one you have?

(As for me I'm out the door now...yoga with a friend!)

Red Rover! Red Rover!

2005-08-21T07:12:00.000-07:00
Fellowship is like Red Rover Red Rover. We are constantly being charged with the hopes of breaking us. Don't stand alone! God gave us each other to link arms with, to hold one another steady for the big blows of life. When you start to feel yourself isolating from everything, reach out!

Now there is a time for alone time. I'm not discounting that, but most of us can tell the difference between a little quiet down time and the creepy dark feeling of isolation.

Today

2005-08-17T06:28:00.000-07:00
I think today is about closing my eyes. For some time now I've needed to stop taking it all in; the media, the fashion, the hype, the internet, the cell phone, the palm pilot, the hustle & bustle, the noise, the money, the stuff, the never ending stream of overload.

Today I want rest. Today I want to be with Him.

See you tomorrow...

(Encouraged by this.)

I Was There

2005-08-15T06:08:00.000-07:00

It was markedly hotter and heavier than anytime before.
"Do you have anything?"

He answered by leaving the dark living room and bounding up the stairs past the wall with all the testosterone fueled graffiti.

I laid there aware of two things. U2 singing from the television to me, "A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle..." and this foreign voice, "Courtney, grab your clothes, get in your jeep, and leave; just get away."

I didn't, instead I gave away my virginity on a filthy tweed couch.

Recently my friend Marsha blogged about Captivity, and it prompted my friend Candyce to discuss drifting thoughts and about following those thoughts with prayer and letting God decide if it is a distraction or if it something that He wants you to hear from Him (she calls it flipped thinking). Now, I don't know if the devil brought me this memory to try to make me feel guilty, stupid, regretful, or whatever, or if God wanted me to learn something from it. Either way, God used the memory. I could have felt like I missed my chance to avoid a lot of pain and darkness, and to see how much I had screwed up my life. Ok, so I did feel that way for about 1 second, but then God stepped in. I like it when he does that, steps into my satan assisted hurtful thinking. "Courtney, I was there." Whoa...

It was a couple of days ago, when God said this to me that I realized He was and is and always will be with me, with you, with each of us. He was there when I didn't know Him and when I was lost. He constantly stood by. He was that close and I completely missed Him. He pursued me, when I didn't even notice Him. I'm not embarrassed, guilty, mortified, or whatever else that it seems like I should be. No, not those emotions, instead I am so extremely thankful, honored, joyous; I feel emmensely cherished, special, unique, and worthy. He was willing to let me get into these horrendous situations, but He stayed right with me. He was watching for that moment of no return. That moment where I would truly be devastated. He didn't allow more than I could bear. No, the things I was involved in were not "Holy discontents" or sufferings for Him. Let me explain.

About two years later I was trying miserably to get out of a relationship with a guy. The solution for me, was to get very far away. I had a really close girlfriend, M, who was such a help during this time. I had a safe house, at a location unknown to him, where I could crash. She came to my rescue, literally, emotionally, and mentally, I don't know how many times. M even hooked me up with a research assistant opportunity one summer, so I could go to the Northwest or half way across the country. M was the researcher that I would be assisting. Another thing about M, she was a lesbian. She and I had many conversations about sexuality and about what might happen with our friendship. I was hurting and if you've read She Devoured My Tenderness, My Sweetness, My Gift... then you know that I had a little issue with men.

"Oh my stars!!!!!" some of you are about to explode. Hold on, hang in there.

Two weeks before I was to leave for Washington, M's department funding was cut and no undergrad students were allowed to go on research trips that summer. I was devastated. I couldn't stay in my current town. I knew I would be sucked back into a relationship that was killing me. In frantic tears I called my mom (that's what made me say "Oh my stars, what am I doing). "I can't stay here...I have to get away." Actually I really had no place to go. I had let my apartment go and told all my friends that I wouldn't need anything until the fall. Oh, the ex offered a place (how thoughtful of him).

So my mom offered to let me stay with them for the summer on the east coast. Talk about a rock and a hard place. He's an ass and she's a Jesus Freak!! She assured me that she wouldn't impose on me much, I could have the 3rd floor to myself, and I didn't have to go to church if I didn't want to. Actually she was very accomodating. I went to the east coast.

You see God was with me when I started to spiral my life into oblivion and He stayed with me. He knew when to grab me with the hook of His shepherd's staff and pull me away from danger. Sometimes, once we are believers, we want to know, "GOD, How much more MUST I bear!!" I think once we are with Him, the answer to that is, "Everything." Before I knew Him, He snatched me up before I leapt over the edge. He knew, enough is enough.

Here are some passages that came to me as I processed my story above:

And Jesus looking upon them said, 'With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible. --Mark 10:27

Come close, listen carefully: I've never kept secrets from you. I've always been present with you . --Isaiah 48:16

Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. --Eph 6:13

He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong. --John 8:47

John 4:1-26 The Samaritan Woman at the Well
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. -- 1John 1:9
But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense--Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. -- 1 John 2:1-2

I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name. --1 John 2:12

John 8:3-11 Christ's response to the public humiliation and the cry for judgement of a woman caught in adultery.

"The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice...I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.
I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me-- just as the Father knows me and I know the Father-- and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd." --John 10:3-16

Right Now

2005-08-14T19:17:00.000-07:00
"Live for the moment!" Such a clear and simple statement; full of commonsense, yet it demands such discipline.

Right now I'm reading a book by Luci Swindoll. (She is Chuck Swindoll's older sister, not his wife, and if you want to know more about her click here.) I'm reading her book I Married Adventure. This morning I read a poem that she quotes from a 14 year old boy. He sent this poem into "Dear Abby."

It was spring...but it was summer I wanted,
the warm days, and the great outdoors.
It was summer, but it was fall I wanted,
the colorful leaves, and the cool, dry air.
It was fall , but it was winter I wanted,
the beautiful snow, and the holiday season.
It was winter, but it was spring I wanted,
the warmth, and the blossoming of nature.
I was a child, but it was adulthood I wanted,
the freedom, and the respect.
I was 20, but it was 30 I wanted,
to be mature, and sophisticated.
I was middle-aged, but it was 20 I wanted,
the youth, and the free spirit.
I was retired, but it was middle age I wanted,
the presence of mind, without limitations.
My life was over. But I never got what I wanted.

Important things happen in each season of our lives. Experience them, breath them in, feel them, embrace them. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow doesn't exist, but today is real. Today, right now, is where I am. I exist only for this moment. I live in and love from only it.

God, fill me with the discipline and contentment to live in this moment. Amen.

How Clever

2005-08-14T05:39:00.000-07:00
Recently I was in a worship moment that was ....I don't even have a word for it. I was sweating all over and it wasn't even hot in the room. I got some things during that time in God's presence.

Moments later, I saw a friend of mine that I really needed to do some planning with. I ran over and sat down and looked at her. There were tears in her eyes as she said, "Man, black preachers can really bring it. There are a couple of white preachers that can, but why is it that black preachers almost always do?"

God is so amazing! During that worship time, God have given her the question to the answer He had given me. God laid on my heart that African-American preachers have this powerful tap into the Holy Spirit and that their gift is born out of ancestral suffering. Following the heals of that thought came another. How clever of the devil to use that ancestral suffering and dump anger, rage, hate, fear, and distrust on the African-American community. Spiritually there is much at stake here. The devil wants to keep the energy inside people in a very negative, self-destructive place. The Holy Spirit wants to see this energy be completely free in God, to glorify God.

Yesterday, I saw the Holy Spirit at work in a man named Kenneth Ulmer. He is pastor of Faithful Central Bible Church in Inglewood, California. (That church by the way, purchased The Forum when it went up for sale, and that is the church's home today.) He spoke about what it was to be a servant, a steward, and a master.

Can of Worms

2005-08-12T21:27:00.000-07:00

He pulled out a canopener and started to crank it, "So what are you guys' stories?"

When I was a little girl, I would sometimes try to dig as deep as I could into the ground. There are all sorts of cool creatures in the moist cool earth. It is all so alive and thrilling! I would dig and dig and dig until I found 'em; the earthworms! They would shrink, riggle, crawl, flip, and curl, and the texture! Slimy and cool. Some of you may say, "yuck!" That's OK; I still like those memories. Memories of having my hands in the soil and feeling the life inside the dirt.

Even now when I'm gardening and I come across earthworms, I make sure they make it back into my garden. They're good for the condition of the soil. They loosen up the soil which allows the roots to spread, and they fertilize the soil to feed the plants.

Tonight was a feeling the life deep in the dirt moment. After he cranked the canopener, we all sat for the next few hours and listened to each others stories; where we have been, what moved us to where we are, what our big questions are, and where we hope God will take us.

I am so glad he was bold enough to open the can of worms! You never know what you're getting when you do. Tonight I felt like our soil or fellowship was enriched and we all grew deeper together, as our conversation flipped, riggled, and curled throughout the room. We touched and examined our stories. It was all so alive and thrilling!

Little Brain

2005-08-11T18:33:00.000-07:00

Ever had a day when your head feels full and distracted by mysterious thoughts and observations? Today was one of those days for me. I hope my little brain reveals the thoughts to the rest of me, soon...

Q-Tip?

2005-08-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

The only "Yes" or "No" that matters are the ones you get from God. There is a lot of gunk that can affect the hearing. Some would call them 'filters.' I just call it gunk. They can be difficult to detect and remove, because they hide in these crooks and crannies, they're impervious to water, they're full of dirt, they're slimy, discolored, and bitter (bitter is a gross memory from the childhood play ground). They don't want to come out of there easily, no one wants to see them, they keep creeping back and they make it impossible to hear clearly.

So I guess when we are struggling to hear from God, we need to ask, "Q-tip, please."

2005-08-08T16:28:00.000-07:00
Count it pure joy when you are involved in every sort of trial. Realize that when your faith is tested it makes for endurance. James 1:2

Reality Reading Blog

2005-08-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

Finished it last night. It was great! Now I'm wondering what book will be next. Any suggestions? I have a couple of authors in mind; Brennan Manning, CS Lewis, E. McManus, S Kierkegaard.... Any votes or ideas? Maybe I should start a reality reading blog...you tell me what to read and then you get to watch what little thoughts grow out of my mind!

New CD's!

2005-08-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

Mute Math should be coming any day. I can't wait!

Had to find this older CD on ebay. I received it only 3 days after I ordered it. I'm always worried ebay sellers will rip me off. I really enjoyed this one. It's quite different from some of his others, but good nonetheless.

Anyone going to The Times Band CD release party on the 19th at Southgate House? Check it out... www.myspace.com/thetimesband

Goodnight my friends...

He's bringing His Icebreaker

2005-08-05T08:30:00.000-07:00
"The original, shimmering self gets buried so deep that most of us hardly end up living out of it at all. Instead, we live out all the other selves which we areconstantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world's weather." --Beuchner, Telling Secrets

I recently read that quote in a friends blog (Embrace the Mess). The book is now on my to read list. SheplaysaMartin also gave props to the book (she has a good reading list).

Lately, I have felt that the the original, shimmering me has been very aware of how it's been duped. She has been trying to surface, but long ago I formed a thick layer of ice over the water that once easily evaporated and received in God's presense. She has been banging on that damn ice. Recently, I've heard her and I've been trying to talk to her and listen, but we can't hear through the cold thick layer. Thankfully God called and He's bringing His icebreaker.

She devoured my tenderness, my sweetness, my gift...

2005-08-05T02:57:00.000-07:00

I was fifteen and a half years old. My parents, like so many other parents, were in the midst of a bloody custody battle. Teeth nashing, swords out, and heads rolling; no blow was too low and no one was left unhurt, unchanged, or innocent.

I stayed home one day, missed school, so I could be available for the court; the recommendation of my mom's attorney. It was the first worst day of my life. I sat at home all by myself, thinking about the fate of my sisters (my custody was never debated), fuming from missing a required presentation day in English (I ended up with my first C ever, because I missed the required project for which I had worked extremely hard and with which I was so very pleased.), and dreading the idea of having to talk to a large old guy that probably had big yellow stained teeth, smelled funny, and wore a big black robe. Then the call came. My mother told me the "dirty little secret." She did it right over the phone. Frek! I was all alone.

I remember loosing my breath and falling until my back slammed into the wall. I gasped and then my vision blurred as my eyes flooded with tears. I slid down the wall to the floor as my heart broke in two for the very first time. "I will never let another man hurt me again," the curse spewed from my lips. It was such a release of pain.

I walked two blocks down the busy road to our pastor's house. I cried with his wife. She hugged me and was nice, but the vow was already sealed in my heart. I could feel it, I was getting stronger, tougher, harder.

Fast forward to the age of 19. The first and only time I was "dumped." I had fallen in love with this narcissitic, alcoholic, demeaning, controlling older man (I now know he was just as broken and hurt as the rest of us). He said it was because I was too immature; I knew it was because I wasn't a freakish enough freak. Oh, it cut so deep. I was a weak disgusting wreck. How could this be happening to me. I had totally lost control. This was not suppose to be happening to me. Then through the girlish sobbing and pathetic tears, I felt an old yet familiar strength grow quickly and steadily inside of me. It caused my heart to beat so strongly, and my breathe to transition into a commanding calm, I could feel it's energy course through my veins. It was the best high ever, so thorough and complete. The hurt tried to rise up. I began to feel my entire body sob, but then this old familiar strength charged through, and she devoured my tenderness, my sweetness, and my gift. "I will NEVER be hurt by a man again." I breathed it in for awhile, so satisfying. As I drifted off to sleep, The Queen whispered, "You'll get him back and you'll make him hurt." I did and a year and a half later, he cried like a shameless baby. I savored it like a rare filet mignon. I was so vitalized by my rage and hate. I adored it.

Many of you are probably thinking at this point (probably much earlier than that), "What the @#$% was that!" Those are the word curses that I put on myself at the ages of 15 and 19, and the ones that I later carried out. If you're wondering what a word curse is, it's a verbal oath made with ???????? some would say the devil, others would say your soul, and so on. Here's what some scriptures in different versions of the Bible say about words spoken.
You are snared with the words of your lips, you are caught by the speech of your mouth, Proverbs 6:2 Amplified

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. (You speak death or life.)
Proverbs 18:21 Amplified
Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit--you choose.
Proverbs 18:21 The Message

These scriptures are so definitive. If you had said any of these to me in say...spring of '95, my head would have spun around while smoke billowed from my ears, and I would have screamed, "Off with your head!" Of course there would have been green puke, too. (Actually once in late 1994 I went to church, because this lady who knew my mom wouldn't leave me alone, so I had to get her off my back. Anyway I thought I was going to puke on the pastor's wife's lap. I am so serious. I had cold sweats, shaky knees, dry mouth...I'm surprised I didn't run out of there screaming, "Get me the hell out of here!") That my friends is what we call a departure (but I just can't delete that church story for some reason; God bless my tangents). I'll get back on point now.

Today, Thursday afternoon I was sitting in Panera reading a book and eating my Fuji Apple Chicken Salad. They were out of the Apple Dressing, so it wasn't so apple-y, but still dern tasty. I didn't realize it, but I was eating dinner with God. He put the afore mentioned thoughts in my head...very disturbing (Check out http://www.notsostrangenotsonormal.blogspot.com and Read Captivity and comments if you're curious about disturbing or distracting thoughts.), so I turned them over to Him. God what's going on? I have a MARRIAGE class to prepare for and these memories are very distracting and not so conducive for the audience I'm working with tonight. Then His loud booming voice (in my head God has James Earl Jones's cousin's voice) said, "My girl, these are word curses you vowed." I sucked in a breathe of realization.

Now folks, don't worry, this little girl knows what she needs to do. I'm going for prayer very soon and I have some current coverage over the time between now and then; my freedom is very precious to me. Let's get back to my little realization.

Now of course I don't want to say, "Ok guys out there, hurt me. Hit me with your best shot and hurt me. I need to endure all the pain I've inflicted from the age of 15 until now. Bring it!" I realized something else though. These curses hardened my heart. It is so hard that neither my husband or God can truly get in. I can't be vulnerable before them. I can't fully receive or understand their love for me. I know my husband loves me tremendously, but I have a barrier that blocks and rejects it. Oh my God, I have robbed myself of 6 years 7 months 4 days 12 hours and 27 minutes of love that my spouse has poured out for me! God, what have I done? God, this is the gap? The disconnect? The chasm that's stood between You and me since June of 1995?

Oh thank you God for your touch and for your revelation. Thank you...thank you...thank you.

Follow my Heart?

2005-08-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

Not a hallmark moment. Recently a friend and I sat down and talked. Talked about what was currently going on in our lives. We also talked about working through stuff. We talked about how we each use to work through stuff; very unhealthy methods. We talked about current frustrations, past dreams, and how it all mixed together. As our conversation was winding down my friend said, "Follow your heart."
What breaks your heart?
What makes your blood really start flowing?
Now you see that means I have to change things up a bit. Take the bull by the horns. Wait, isn't that God's job? Where is the place between handing it to God and doing what you're suppose to do? I'm at the dawn of realizing that it is all Him. My desire for control and my striving really don't amount to much at all. I am just one little red blood cell in the stream, carrying my newly acquired oxygen to whatever capillary bed that God's force puts me into this time around. It's God's heart.
For now I'll hand it to God and just hold on to Him through prayer, scripture, and worship. He'll work out the details.

You are invited to my Kick Ass Vacation!

2005-08-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

Take note of this. Put it in your palm.
Today I decided that when I turn 80 there will be no more major surgeries, heck maybe not even any minor ones for me. The day I have some young cardiologist tell me I need to go see a surgeon is the day the party planning starts. I'm going to take the $30,000 or so that the surgery, hospital stay, surgeons consulted for complication fees would cost and I'm going on a Kick Ass Vacation. I'm taking the grandkids, the kids, the spouse, and all friends who are at or beyond the 80 year mark. My calendar has a nice picture from the Family Island regatte of Georgetown, Bahamas. Let's go there. I'll be drinking plenty of margaritas, so I won't be feeling any pain. I plan on eating all the shellfish, fried, salty, spicy, high cholesterol, fatty food, I can get my hands on. If I die on the trip....well I guess I'll go out with a bang!
You don't want to forget this event. Put it down for the year 2054 or beyond. If you know who agirloutthere is, it is your lucky day because you are invited! Bring a fifth of your finest tequilla, and leave the sunscreen at home.
RSVP to agirloutthere by 2050AD

I Want To Be Free

2005-08-02T09:04:00.000-07:00
I want to be free!

God, I want your freedom.
Freedom from hurts in my past.
Freedom from selfdoubts.
Freedom from fear.
Freedom from the rage.
Freedom from the guilt.

Freedom to tell it like it is.
Freedom to love the world like a crazy woman.
Freedom to experience you.
Freedom to be myself.
Freedom to discover me.

Freedom to laugh,
Freedom to cry.
Freedom to shout,
Freedom to whisper.

Freedom to be completely silly,
Freedom to be completely gross,
Freeedom to make my mistakes,
Freedom from people throwing it in my face.

Freedom to try,
Freedom to try again.
Freedom to love You,
Freedom to love me.
Freedom to sing,
Freedom to dance.
Freedom to inspire,
Freedom to take a chance.

Hmm...

2005-07-28T12:50:00.000-07:00
"If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is wothless" (James 1:26).

Hmmm... so does this mean that I have to edit myself, my thoughts? According to this book I'm reading, the authors propose that I cannot really follow Christ well without controlling what rolls off of this baby and that I shouldn't say whatever I feel whenever I feel it.

This is challenging for me. How does it fit in with being honest and real?

Internet Spades

2005-07-28T03:29:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of not sleeping. Internet Spades is keeping me company; playing people who speak French, Chinese, and Polish. I have a friend who would call this the Poland language. You know who you are, my friend and you know that I love you. Insomnia's great!:-} I'm just hoping for a foggy day off so maybe I can sleep a little...