She devoured my tenderness, my sweetness, my gift...

I was fifteen and a half years old. My parents, like so many other parents, were in the midst of a bloody custody battle. Teeth nashing, swords out, and heads rolling; no blow was too low and no one was left unhurt, unchanged, or innocent.

I stayed home one day, missed school, so I could be available for the court; the recommendation of my mom's attorney. It was the first worst day of my life. I sat at home all by myself, thinking about the fate of my sisters (my custody was never debated), fuming from missing a required presentation day in English (I ended up with my first C ever, because I missed the required project for which I had worked extremely hard and with which I was so very pleased.), and dreading the idea of having to talk to a large old guy that probably had big yellow stained teeth, smelled funny, and wore a big black robe. Then the call came. My mother told me the "dirty little secret." She did it right over the phone. Frek! I was all alone.

I remember loosing my breath and falling until my back slammed into the wall. I gasped and then my vision blurred as my eyes flooded with tears. I slid down the wall to the floor as my heart broke in two for the very first time. "I will never let another man hurt me again," the curse spewed from my lips. It was such a release of pain.

I walked two blocks down the busy road to our pastor's house. I cried with his wife. She hugged me and was nice, but the vow was already sealed in my heart. I could feel it, I was getting stronger, tougher, harder.

Fast forward to the age of 19. The first and only time I was "dumped." I had fallen in love with this narcissitic, alcoholic, demeaning, controlling older man (I now know he was just as broken and hurt as the rest of us). He said it was because I was too immature; I knew it was because I wasn't a freakish enough freak. Oh, it cut so deep. I was a weak disgusting wreck. How could this be happening to me. I had totally lost control. This was not suppose to be happening to me. Then through the girlish sobbing and pathetic tears, I felt an old yet familiar strength grow quickly and steadily inside of me. It caused my heart to beat so strongly, and my breathe to transition into a commanding calm, I could feel it's energy course through my veins. It was the best high ever, so thorough and complete. The hurt tried to rise up. I began to feel my entire body sob, but then this old familiar strength charged through, and she devoured my tenderness, my sweetness, and my gift. "I will NEVER be hurt by a man again." I breathed it in for awhile, so satisfying. As I drifted off to sleep, The Queen whispered, "You'll get him back and you'll make him hurt." I did and a year and a half later, he cried like a shameless baby. I savored it like a rare filet mignon. I was so vitalized by my rage and hate. I adored it.

Many of you are probably thinking at this point (probably much earlier than that), "What the @#$% was that!" Those are the word curses that I put on myself at the ages of 15 and 19, and the ones that I later carried out. If you're wondering what a word curse is, it's a verbal oath made with ???????? some would say the devil, others would say your soul, and so on. Here's what some scriptures in different versions of the Bible say about words spoken.
You are snared with the words of your lips, you are caught by the speech of your mouth, Proverbs 6:2 Amplified

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. (You speak death or life.)
Proverbs 18:21 Amplified
Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit--you choose.
Proverbs 18:21 The Message

These scriptures are so definitive. If you had said any of these to me in say...spring of '95, my head would have spun around while smoke billowed from my ears, and I would have screamed, "Off with your head!" Of course there would have been green puke, too. (Actually once in late 1994 I went to church, because this lady who knew my mom wouldn't leave me alone, so I had to get her off my back. Anyway I thought I was going to puke on the pastor's wife's lap. I am so serious. I had cold sweats, shaky knees, dry mouth...I'm surprised I didn't run out of there screaming, "Get me the hell out of here!") That my friends is what we call a departure (but I just can't delete that church story for some reason; God bless my tangents). I'll get back on point now.

Today, Thursday afternoon I was sitting in Panera reading a book and eating my Fuji Apple Chicken Salad. They were out of the Apple Dressing, so it wasn't so apple-y, but still dern tasty. I didn't realize it, but I was eating dinner with God. He put the afore mentioned thoughts in my head...very disturbing (Check out http://www.notsostrangenotsonormal.blogspot.com and Read Captivity and comments if you're curious about disturbing or distracting thoughts.), so I turned them over to Him. God what's going on? I have a MARRIAGE class to prepare for and these memories are very distracting and not so conducive for the audience I'm working with tonight. Then His loud booming voice (in my head God has James Earl Jones's cousin's voice) said, "My girl, these are word curses you vowed." I sucked in a breathe of realization.

Now folks, don't worry, this little girl knows what she needs to do. I'm going for prayer very soon and I have some current coverage over the time between now and then; my freedom is very precious to me. Let's get back to my little realization.

Now of course I don't want to say, "Ok guys out there, hurt me. Hit me with your best shot and hurt me. I need to endure all the pain I've inflicted from the age of 15 until now. Bring it!" I realized something else though. These curses hardened my heart. It is so hard that neither my husband or God can truly get in. I can't be vulnerable before them. I can't fully receive or understand their love for me. I know my husband loves me tremendously, but I have a barrier that blocks and rejects it. Oh my God, I have robbed myself of 6 years 7 months 4 days 12 hours and 27 minutes of love that my spouse has poured out for me! God, what have I done? God, this is the gap? The disconnect? The chasm that's stood between You and me since June of 1995?

Oh thank you God for your touch and for your revelation. Thank you...thank you...thank you.