I Was There

It was markedly hotter and heavier than anytime before.
"Do you have anything?"

He answered by leaving the dark living room and bounding up the stairs past the wall with all the testosterone fueled graffiti.

I laid there aware of two things. U2 singing from the television to me, "A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle..." and this foreign voice, "Courtney, grab your clothes, get in your jeep, and leave; just get away."

I didn't, instead I gave away my virginity on a filthy tweed couch.

Recently my friend Marsha blogged about Captivity, and it prompted my friend Candyce to discuss drifting thoughts and about following those thoughts with prayer and letting God decide if it is a distraction or if it something that He wants you to hear from Him (she calls it flipped thinking). Now, I don't know if the devil brought me this memory to try to make me feel guilty, stupid, regretful, or whatever, or if God wanted me to learn something from it. Either way, God used the memory. I could have felt like I missed my chance to avoid a lot of pain and darkness, and to see how much I had screwed up my life. Ok, so I did feel that way for about 1 second, but then God stepped in. I like it when he does that, steps into my satan assisted hurtful thinking. "Courtney, I was there." Whoa...

It was a couple of days ago, when God said this to me that I realized He was and is and always will be with me, with you, with each of us. He was there when I didn't know Him and when I was lost. He constantly stood by. He was that close and I completely missed Him. He pursued me, when I didn't even notice Him. I'm not embarrassed, guilty, mortified, or whatever else that it seems like I should be. No, not those emotions, instead I am so extremely thankful, honored, joyous; I feel emmensely cherished, special, unique, and worthy. He was willing to let me get into these horrendous situations, but He stayed right with me. He was watching for that moment of no return. That moment where I would truly be devastated. He didn't allow more than I could bear. No, the things I was involved in were not "Holy discontents" or sufferings for Him. Let me explain.

About two years later I was trying miserably to get out of a relationship with a guy. The solution for me, was to get very far away. I had a really close girlfriend, M, who was such a help during this time. I had a safe house, at a location unknown to him, where I could crash. She came to my rescue, literally, emotionally, and mentally, I don't know how many times. M even hooked me up with a research assistant opportunity one summer, so I could go to the Northwest or half way across the country. M was the researcher that I would be assisting. Another thing about M, she was a lesbian. She and I had many conversations about sexuality and about what might happen with our friendship. I was hurting and if you've read She Devoured My Tenderness, My Sweetness, My Gift... then you know that I had a little issue with men.

"Oh my stars!!!!!" some of you are about to explode. Hold on, hang in there.

Two weeks before I was to leave for Washington, M's department funding was cut and no undergrad students were allowed to go on research trips that summer. I was devastated. I couldn't stay in my current town. I knew I would be sucked back into a relationship that was killing me. In frantic tears I called my mom (that's what made me say "Oh my stars, what am I doing). "I can't stay here...I have to get away." Actually I really had no place to go. I had let my apartment go and told all my friends that I wouldn't need anything until the fall. Oh, the ex offered a place (how thoughtful of him).

So my mom offered to let me stay with them for the summer on the east coast. Talk about a rock and a hard place. He's an ass and she's a Jesus Freak!! She assured me that she wouldn't impose on me much, I could have the 3rd floor to myself, and I didn't have to go to church if I didn't want to. Actually she was very accomodating. I went to the east coast.

You see God was with me when I started to spiral my life into oblivion and He stayed with me. He knew when to grab me with the hook of His shepherd's staff and pull me away from danger. Sometimes, once we are believers, we want to know, "GOD, How much more MUST I bear!!" I think once we are with Him, the answer to that is, "Everything." Before I knew Him, He snatched me up before I leapt over the edge. He knew, enough is enough.


Here are some passages that came to me as I processed my story above:

And Jesus looking upon them said, 'With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible. --Mark 10:27

Come close, listen carefully: I've never kept secrets from you. I've always been present with you . --Isaiah 48:16

Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. --Eph 6:13

He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong. --John 8:47

John 4:1-26 The Samaritan Woman at the Well

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. -- 1John 1:9

But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense--Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. -- 1 John 2:1-2

I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name. --1 John 2:12

John 8:3-11 Christ's response to the public humiliation and the cry for judgement of a woman caught in adultery.

"The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice...I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me-- just as the Father knows me and I know the Father-- and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd." --John 10:3-16