Temporary Constructs of a Feeble Human Intellect

I recently read a friend's blog that referenced these lines from the Matrix.

"Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love.

Neo's response: Because I choose to."

A choice. Just makes me think alot about the spiritual push back I feel like I've been experiencing lately, specifically dealing with disbelief. Now I realize that I have a choice to believe....hmmmm.

To choose to push through disbelief and the doubt that haunts me...I've discovered it to be incredible; incredibly challenging, incredibly difficult, incredibly disorienting, incredibly frightening, and incredibly humbling. Right now I feel completely weak and almost defeated. I don't understand, I just don't get it. How can a "believer" find herself smotherring in disbelief?

I have chosen to seek council, to receive prayer, to ask for prayer coverage, and to desperately cling to His promises. "Help me Obiwan Kenobi, you're my only hope." God is my only hope that I will not be swallowed up in the hopelessness of mere existance devoid of anthing beyond the tangible.

Right now all I can hope is that choosing to press into Him, some day I will emerge from this place of ambiguity.

Sept 27th 2005

The last two days I've been reading about our role, as humans, in spiritual warfare. Even as I read I felt relief, pooring into me. I don't know that I agree with everything the author is saying, but he has me refocusing on what is important. The author has bolstered my hope written above. I'll choose to press into Him.

I'll choose to praise Him, worship Him, embrace Him, and press into Him as a child does her father when her heart is broken. I will find comfort there. The hurt is still real, but so is the embrace.

I will say I am sorry for the things I've done. I'll repent of my desire for control, answers, my self defined security and success. "For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me." He has always provided for me, sometimes generously and sometimes just enough just in time.

I praise you, Father God! You have given this girl much. You have blessed me with love, knowledge, provision, health and safety, infinite 2nd chances with You and others, and the sacrifice of Your Son. Thank you God!! Thank you. You are mighty! You are holy! None compares to You! Not my disbelief, not my doubt. They are like mere ants, scurring under Your foot. You alone have the power and authority to deal with them.

As for me, I will press into Your embrace and accept Your strength and Your comfort and Your love for me. Thank You for holding me and protecting me when I am weak and vulnerable. Thank You for Your love, Your perfect love.