Remember that song? It's always struck a chord with me.
It always seems to fit, and I never do. Like a size 9 trying to wear a size 8; it can be done, but you are constantly reminded you don't quite fit. Almost, but not quite.
I have a large circle of friends, but I'm either in the middle or standing on the outside, never a part of the circle. I'm there, but awkward. For a long time it hurt.
In junior high, I was part of the "Six Pack," but different, like a 40 (the same thing, but missing the loops).
In high school I hung with many groups, but I don't know that anyone in particular claimed me. In high school it felt cool for the most part. I transcended cliques. OOOhh, AAhhh... Actually it didn't matter much to me at the time, as the core of my life, my family, was falling apart.
In college, I was just f#$%ing lost. For awhile I was in a sorority...damn did that take me back to junior high. Eventually, other lost people found me or I found them. We clung to each other and numbed out all the weirdness in our lives with, of course, more weirdness; but at least we all fit in, right?
Summertime of 1995 I found God. It was awesome. I was all alone, but that didn't matter at all. In the fall of 1995 I sought out some God believing friends and they introduced me to more friends. I liked these friends. They were older, smart, "wiser," and just cool to be around. They were goofy and cool all wrapped into one, like a chocolate-vanilla soft serve cone. Unfortunately we all went our separate ways. Actually, I moved away, they started making babies, and the natural drifting followed.
I moved around a lot. Family and friends scattered around the globe. I was lonely and feeling lost again. "A girl without a country," a friend once said. I found a strange connection with that phrase. No place has ever felt like home since I was 15 years old. Right now I just really want a home.
Again, I feel like the "one of these things that's not like the others..." I have a huge circle of friends that are great, but I feel I'm not really in the circle, just around it, or surrounded by it, or something. It makes me sad. These are all wonderful people, just not quite home.
Right nowI just really want a home. I want to fit.
Maybe I'm expecting fellowship or friendship to fill up my homesickness for Christ. Maybe this awkwardness, this homesickness, this longing, is all there to keep me in pursuit of Him; seeking more relationship, learning more about Him, communing more with Him.
Each of us is part of the body God's design, and we share much together, but He is our life. We were made for the body, but not by the body. He is our creator. Praise Him!!
God, first, may I find my sustenance in You. May Your Spirit dwell in my inner being and Christ in my heart, that I may then go out and fully and joyfully interact with the body and through the body to proclaim Your good news. Amen.
Some scriptures that I'm learning from...
2 Timothy 4:16-17 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and campassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ecclesiastes 4:7-12 Again I saw somthing meaningless under the sun: There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?" This too is meaningless-- a miserable business! Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ephesians 3:14-19 For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and extablished in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long the hight and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 2:13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.
Ephesians 2:19-22 Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
John 1:3-4 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men.
