Now I'm Really Mad

I am so pissed off!! God, I am sick and tired and boiling with rage!
My heart has broken over and over and over for my brothers and sisters. It's enough!!

I'm fed up with watching my brothers and sisters being sold lies and being lashed down in bondage.

Satan pounces on our vulnerabilities (willing and weak) and he numbs them, twists them, perverses them. If we got hurt, we hardened it up so we can't feel, if we screw up, we hide it away because of the shame and guilt that the enemy puts on us. Then we try to connect. You made us for fellowship, connection with each other. Once we're numb, perverse, and crippled, the enemy lets fly the longing for connection, and he sits back and laughs and cheers, as we try to connect and we screw it up and damage each other; making more places to fill with hurt, guilt, shame, and hardness.

God my blood boils!!! I feel I'll explode!

I see the enemy attacking my brothers, my sisters, and even Your Bride. He is trying with all his might to derail us all. Why God? Why? He knows Your authority, he will not prevail, he will bow to You.

I'm so sick of him smothering my sisters and brothers in the shame and guilt of divorce, sex outside of Your design, abuse, materialism, pregnancy, abortion, suicide, greed, pornography, addictions, false insignificance, the crap put on them by some broken lover, who is really just being used as a tool. A tool of the enemy, who will soon discard them like a used condom. Yeah, I know, "How gross." That's what the enemy wants us to believe, that we are cheap, repulsive, gross, embarrassing, awkward, socially unacceptable, and most importantly we should keep it to ourselves and we shouldn't talk about it.

The enemy can't come into the Light of God. Bring your whole hurt self to the Light. Who cares if another person judges you...they have their own rank baggage that they're trying to swallow and hide.

Christ's suffering was for our "used condoms" and "rank baggage". He died because of these things. He pursues us to free us from them. If we would drop them at His feet, we would be free!!!!! But no. We're ashamed, or shocked, or guilty, or afraid of exposure so we hide it and "no one" can see it; not even we can see it sometimes. Satan can hide it that well.

Christ asks us to give it to Him. We have a choice. Satan on the other hand whispers, "How could you do something so awful, so disgusting, so stupid. You're gross. You're a freak. You don't deserve anything." The enemy plants all this detritus in our soul, to shut us up and to isolate us from one another and from God.

God is equipping us for this battle. I recently read about God "forming an army that marches and fights on their knees." I am being equipped and I am eager for the battle.

Novacaine

How clever of the enemy! He takes our suffering and he pours on thick his toxic hurt, rage, hate, sorrow, anger, depression, doubt, defeat. He sticks his needle in the tissue all around the damage and he gradually and deliberately numbs you out with his Novacaine. He likes us numbed out, unfeeling, and oblivious. Nothing hurts when we are numb. We can't get burned, we can't feel anything, we just creep along.

I hate that he does that to us. I hate that he does that to you. I'd be like Peter and grab a knife and try to start cutting him up. It's not neccessary though, because Christ crushed the enemy. He defeated Satan for us, for you. He loves you. He has fought and died and triumphed for you. He pursued you when He knew it would cost Him greatly.

Time

So this might be an urban legend, though I do think there is something to consider here. Time. We only get so much of it and we only get it moment by moment. 50 hours, and then a couple of minutes, several moments later this man was gone.

What have you done with your last 50 hours and all those moments?

Did you stay a little longer after class or at the coffee shop with a friend and find out they really needed that moment with you? Did you go for a walk and meet a new neighbor and discover a new friendship? Did you quiet yourself and shut out all the buzz and gain insight into your life? Did you call someone in your family and tell them you miss them and love them? Did you go to the gym and relieve some pressure and some stress? Did you take a nap and let your body and mind be restored? Did you read something challenging? Did you share something funny? Did you just appreciate your day, moment to moment?

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the technologies of our time. Just stop and think about the moment you're in, be aware of your surroundings and yourself.

What will you do in this moment, right now, the only one you have?


(As for me I'm out the door now...yoga with a friend!)

Red Rover! Red Rover!

Fellowship is like Red Rover Red Rover. We are constantly being charged with the hopes of breaking us. Don't stand alone! God gave us each other to link arms with, to hold one another steady for the big blows of life. When you start to feel yourself isolating from everything, reach out!

Now there is a time for alone time. I'm not discounting that, but most of us can tell the difference between a little quiet down time and the creepy dark feeling of isolation.

Today

I think today is about closing my eyes. For some time now I've needed to stop taking it all in; the media, the fashion, the hype, the internet, the cell phone, the palm pilot, the hustle & bustle, the noise, the money, the stuff, the never ending stream of overload.

Today I want rest. Today I want to be with Him.

See you tomorrow...

(Encouraged by this.)

I Was There

It was markedly hotter and heavier than anytime before.
"Do you have anything?"

He answered by leaving the dark living room and bounding up the stairs past the wall with all the testosterone fueled graffiti.

I laid there aware of two things. U2 singing from the television to me, "A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle..." and this foreign voice, "Courtney, grab your clothes, get in your jeep, and leave; just get away."

I didn't, instead I gave away my virginity on a filthy tweed couch.

Recently my friend Marsha blogged about Captivity, and it prompted my friend Candyce to discuss drifting thoughts and about following those thoughts with prayer and letting God decide if it is a distraction or if it something that He wants you to hear from Him (she calls it flipped thinking). Now, I don't know if the devil brought me this memory to try to make me feel guilty, stupid, regretful, or whatever, or if God wanted me to learn something from it. Either way, God used the memory. I could have felt like I missed my chance to avoid a lot of pain and darkness, and to see how much I had screwed up my life. Ok, so I did feel that way for about 1 second, but then God stepped in. I like it when he does that, steps into my satan assisted hurtful thinking. "Courtney, I was there." Whoa...

It was a couple of days ago, when God said this to me that I realized He was and is and always will be with me, with you, with each of us. He was there when I didn't know Him and when I was lost. He constantly stood by. He was that close and I completely missed Him. He pursued me, when I didn't even notice Him. I'm not embarrassed, guilty, mortified, or whatever else that it seems like I should be. No, not those emotions, instead I am so extremely thankful, honored, joyous; I feel emmensely cherished, special, unique, and worthy. He was willing to let me get into these horrendous situations, but He stayed right with me. He was watching for that moment of no return. That moment where I would truly be devastated. He didn't allow more than I could bear. No, the things I was involved in were not "Holy discontents" or sufferings for Him. Let me explain.

About two years later I was trying miserably to get out of a relationship with a guy. The solution for me, was to get very far away. I had a really close girlfriend, M, who was such a help during this time. I had a safe house, at a location unknown to him, where I could crash. She came to my rescue, literally, emotionally, and mentally, I don't know how many times. M even hooked me up with a research assistant opportunity one summer, so I could go to the Northwest or half way across the country. M was the researcher that I would be assisting. Another thing about M, she was a lesbian. She and I had many conversations about sexuality and about what might happen with our friendship. I was hurting and if you've read She Devoured My Tenderness, My Sweetness, My Gift... then you know that I had a little issue with men.

"Oh my stars!!!!!" some of you are about to explode. Hold on, hang in there.

Two weeks before I was to leave for Washington, M's department funding was cut and no undergrad students were allowed to go on research trips that summer. I was devastated. I couldn't stay in my current town. I knew I would be sucked back into a relationship that was killing me. In frantic tears I called my mom (that's what made me say "Oh my stars, what am I doing). "I can't stay here...I have to get away." Actually I really had no place to go. I had let my apartment go and told all my friends that I wouldn't need anything until the fall. Oh, the ex offered a place (how thoughtful of him).

So my mom offered to let me stay with them for the summer on the east coast. Talk about a rock and a hard place. He's an ass and she's a Jesus Freak!! She assured me that she wouldn't impose on me much, I could have the 3rd floor to myself, and I didn't have to go to church if I didn't want to. Actually she was very accomodating. I went to the east coast.

You see God was with me when I started to spiral my life into oblivion and He stayed with me. He knew when to grab me with the hook of His shepherd's staff and pull me away from danger. Sometimes, once we are believers, we want to know, "GOD, How much more MUST I bear!!" I think once we are with Him, the answer to that is, "Everything." Before I knew Him, He snatched me up before I leapt over the edge. He knew, enough is enough.


Here are some passages that came to me as I processed my story above:

And Jesus looking upon them said, 'With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible. --Mark 10:27

Come close, listen carefully: I've never kept secrets from you. I've always been present with you . --Isaiah 48:16

Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. --Eph 6:13

He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong. --John 8:47

John 4:1-26 The Samaritan Woman at the Well

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. -- 1John 1:9

But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense--Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. -- 1 John 2:1-2

I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name. --1 John 2:12

John 8:3-11 Christ's response to the public humiliation and the cry for judgement of a woman caught in adultery.

"The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice...I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me-- just as the Father knows me and I know the Father-- and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd." --John 10:3-16

Right Now

"Live for the moment!" Such a clear and simple statement; full of commonsense, yet it demands such discipline.

Right now I'm reading a book by Luci Swindoll. (She is Chuck Swindoll's older sister, not his wife, and if you want to know more about her click here.) I'm reading her book I Married Adventure. This morning I read a poem that she quotes from a 14 year old boy. He sent this poem into "Dear Abby."

It was spring...but it was summer I wanted,
the warm days, and the great outdoors.
It was summer, but it was fall I wanted,
the colorful leaves, and the cool, dry air.
It was fall , but it was winter I wanted,
the beautiful snow, and the holiday season.
It was winter, but it was spring I wanted,
the warmth, and the blossoming of nature.
I was a child, but it was adulthood I wanted,
the freedom, and the respect.
I was 20, but it was 30 I wanted,
to be mature, and sophisticated.
I was middle-aged, but it was 20 I wanted,
the youth, and the free spirit.
I was retired, but it was middle age I wanted,
the presence of mind, without limitations.
My life was over. But I never got what I wanted.

Important things happen in each season of our lives. Experience them, breath them in, feel them, embrace them. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow doesn't exist, but today is real. Today, right now, is where I am. I exist only for this moment. I live in and love from only it.

God, fill me with the discipline and contentment to live in this moment. Amen.

How Clever

Recently I was in a worship moment that was ....I don't even have a word for it. I was sweating all over and it wasn't even hot in the room. I got some things during that time in God's presence.

Moments later, I saw a friend of mine that I really needed to do some planning with. I ran over and sat down and looked at her. There were tears in her eyes as she said, "Man, black preachers can really bring it. There are a couple of white preachers that can, but why is it that black preachers almost always do?"

God is so amazing! During that worship time, God have given her the question to the answer He had given me. God laid on my heart that African-American preachers have this powerful tap into the Holy Spirit and that their gift is born out of ancestral suffering. Following the heals of that thought came another. How clever of the devil to use that ancestral suffering and dump anger, rage, hate, fear, and distrust on the African-American community. Spiritually there is much at stake here. The devil wants to keep the energy inside people in a very negative, self-destructive place. The Holy Spirit wants to see this energy be completely free in God, to glorify God.

Yesterday, I saw the Holy Spirit at work in a man named Kenneth Ulmer. He is pastor of Faithful Central Bible Church in Inglewood, California. (That church by the way, purchased The Forum when it went up for sale, and that is the church's home today.) He spoke about what it was to be a servant, a steward, and a master.

Can of Worms

He pulled out a canopener and started to crank it, "So what are you guys' stories?"

When I was a little girl, I would sometimes try to dig as deep as I could into the ground. There are all sorts of cool creatures in the moist cool earth. It is all so alive and thrilling! I would dig and dig and dig until I found 'em; the earthworms! They would shrink, riggle, crawl, flip, and curl, and the texture! Slimy and cool. Some of you may say, "yuck!" That's OK; I still like those memories. Memories of having my hands in the soil and feeling the life inside the dirt.

Even now when I'm gardening and I come across earthworms, I make sure they make it back into my garden. They're good for the condition of the soil. They loosen up the soil which allows the roots to spread, and they fertilize the soil to feed the plants.

Tonight was a feeling the life deep in the dirt moment. After he cranked the canopener, we all sat for the next few hours and listened to each others stories; where we have been, what moved us to where we are, what our big questions are, and where we hope God will take us.

I am so glad he was bold enough to open the can of worms! You never know what you're getting when you do. Tonight I felt like our soil or fellowship was enriched and we all grew deeper together, as our conversation flipped, riggled, and curled throughout the room. We touched and examined our stories. It was all so alive and thrilling!

Little Brain

Ever had a day when your head feels full and distracted by mysterious thoughts and observations? Today was one of those days for me. I hope my little brain reveals the thoughts to the rest of me, soon...

Q-Tip?

The only "Yes" or "No" that matters are the ones you get from God. There is a lot of gunk that can affect the hearing. Some would call them 'filters.' I just call it gunk. They can be difficult to detect and remove, because they hide in these crooks and crannies, they're impervious to water, they're full of dirt, they're slimy, discolored, and bitter (bitter is a gross memory from the childhood play ground). They don't want to come out of there easily, no one wants to see them, they keep creeping back and they make it impossible to hear clearly.

So I guess when we are struggling to hear from God, we need to ask, "Q-tip, please."

Count it pure joy when you are involved in every sort of trial. Realize that when your faith is tested it makes for endurance. James 1:2

Reality Reading Blog

Finished it last night. It was great! Now I'm wondering what book will be next. Any suggestions? I have a couple of authors in mind; Brennan Manning, CS Lewis, E. McManus, S Kierkegaard.... Any votes or ideas? Maybe I should start a reality reading blog...you tell me what to read and then you get to watch what little thoughts grow out of my mind!

New CD's!

Mute Math should be coming any day. I can't wait!



Had to find this older CD on ebay. I received it only 3 days after I ordered it. I'm always worried ebay sellers will rip me off. I really enjoyed this one. It's quite different from some of his others, but good nonetheless.

Anyone going to The Times Band CD release party on the 19th at Southgate House? Check it out... www.myspace.com/thetimesband

Goodnight my friends...

He's bringing His Icebreaker

"The original, shimmering self gets buried so deep that most of us hardly end up living out of it at all. Instead, we live out all the other selves which we areconstantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world's weather." --Beuchner, Telling Secrets

I recently read that quote in a friends blog (Embrace the Mess). The book is now on my to read list. SheplaysaMartin also gave props to the book (she has a good reading list).

Lately, I have felt that the the original, shimmering me has been very aware of how it's been duped. She has been trying to surface, but long ago I formed a thick layer of ice over the water that once easily evaporated and received in God's presense. She has been banging on that damn ice. Recently, I've heard her and I've been trying to talk to her and listen, but we can't hear through the cold thick layer. Thankfully God called and He's bringing His icebreaker.

She devoured my tenderness, my sweetness, my gift...

I was fifteen and a half years old. My parents, like so many other parents, were in the midst of a bloody custody battle. Teeth nashing, swords out, and heads rolling; no blow was too low and no one was left unhurt, unchanged, or innocent.

I stayed home one day, missed school, so I could be available for the court; the recommendation of my mom's attorney. It was the first worst day of my life. I sat at home all by myself, thinking about the fate of my sisters (my custody was never debated), fuming from missing a required presentation day in English (I ended up with my first C ever, because I missed the required project for which I had worked extremely hard and with which I was so very pleased.), and dreading the idea of having to talk to a large old guy that probably had big yellow stained teeth, smelled funny, and wore a big black robe. Then the call came. My mother told me the "dirty little secret." She did it right over the phone. Frek! I was all alone.

I remember loosing my breath and falling until my back slammed into the wall. I gasped and then my vision blurred as my eyes flooded with tears. I slid down the wall to the floor as my heart broke in two for the very first time. "I will never let another man hurt me again," the curse spewed from my lips. It was such a release of pain.

I walked two blocks down the busy road to our pastor's house. I cried with his wife. She hugged me and was nice, but the vow was already sealed in my heart. I could feel it, I was getting stronger, tougher, harder.

Fast forward to the age of 19. The first and only time I was "dumped." I had fallen in love with this narcissitic, alcoholic, demeaning, controlling older man (I now know he was just as broken and hurt as the rest of us). He said it was because I was too immature; I knew it was because I wasn't a freakish enough freak. Oh, it cut so deep. I was a weak disgusting wreck. How could this be happening to me. I had totally lost control. This was not suppose to be happening to me. Then through the girlish sobbing and pathetic tears, I felt an old yet familiar strength grow quickly and steadily inside of me. It caused my heart to beat so strongly, and my breathe to transition into a commanding calm, I could feel it's energy course through my veins. It was the best high ever, so thorough and complete. The hurt tried to rise up. I began to feel my entire body sob, but then this old familiar strength charged through, and she devoured my tenderness, my sweetness, and my gift. "I will NEVER be hurt by a man again." I breathed it in for awhile, so satisfying. As I drifted off to sleep, The Queen whispered, "You'll get him back and you'll make him hurt." I did and a year and a half later, he cried like a shameless baby. I savored it like a rare filet mignon. I was so vitalized by my rage and hate. I adored it.

Many of you are probably thinking at this point (probably much earlier than that), "What the @#$% was that!" Those are the word curses that I put on myself at the ages of 15 and 19, and the ones that I later carried out. If you're wondering what a word curse is, it's a verbal oath made with ???????? some would say the devil, others would say your soul, and so on. Here's what some scriptures in different versions of the Bible say about words spoken.
You are snared with the words of your lips, you are caught by the speech of your mouth, Proverbs 6:2 Amplified

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. (You speak death or life.)
Proverbs 18:21 Amplified
Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit--you choose.
Proverbs 18:21 The Message

These scriptures are so definitive. If you had said any of these to me in say...spring of '95, my head would have spun around while smoke billowed from my ears, and I would have screamed, "Off with your head!" Of course there would have been green puke, too. (Actually once in late 1994 I went to church, because this lady who knew my mom wouldn't leave me alone, so I had to get her off my back. Anyway I thought I was going to puke on the pastor's wife's lap. I am so serious. I had cold sweats, shaky knees, dry mouth...I'm surprised I didn't run out of there screaming, "Get me the hell out of here!") That my friends is what we call a departure (but I just can't delete that church story for some reason; God bless my tangents). I'll get back on point now.

Today, Thursday afternoon I was sitting in Panera reading a book and eating my Fuji Apple Chicken Salad. They were out of the Apple Dressing, so it wasn't so apple-y, but still dern tasty. I didn't realize it, but I was eating dinner with God. He put the afore mentioned thoughts in my head...very disturbing (Check out http://www.notsostrangenotsonormal.blogspot.com and Read Captivity and comments if you're curious about disturbing or distracting thoughts.), so I turned them over to Him. God what's going on? I have a MARRIAGE class to prepare for and these memories are very distracting and not so conducive for the audience I'm working with tonight. Then His loud booming voice (in my head God has James Earl Jones's cousin's voice) said, "My girl, these are word curses you vowed." I sucked in a breathe of realization.

Now folks, don't worry, this little girl knows what she needs to do. I'm going for prayer very soon and I have some current coverage over the time between now and then; my freedom is very precious to me. Let's get back to my little realization.

Now of course I don't want to say, "Ok guys out there, hurt me. Hit me with your best shot and hurt me. I need to endure all the pain I've inflicted from the age of 15 until now. Bring it!" I realized something else though. These curses hardened my heart. It is so hard that neither my husband or God can truly get in. I can't be vulnerable before them. I can't fully receive or understand their love for me. I know my husband loves me tremendously, but I have a barrier that blocks and rejects it. Oh my God, I have robbed myself of 6 years 7 months 4 days 12 hours and 27 minutes of love that my spouse has poured out for me! God, what have I done? God, this is the gap? The disconnect? The chasm that's stood between You and me since June of 1995?

Oh thank you God for your touch and for your revelation. Thank you...thank you...thank you.

Follow my Heart?

Not a hallmark moment. Recently a friend and I sat down and talked. Talked about what was currently going on in our lives. We also talked about working through stuff. We talked about how we each use to work through stuff; very unhealthy methods. We talked about current frustrations, past dreams, and how it all mixed together. As our conversation was winding down my friend said, "Follow your heart."

What breaks your heart?

What makes your blood really start flowing?

Now you see that means I have to change things up a bit. Take the bull by the horns. Wait, isn't that God's job? Where is the place between handing it to God and doing what you're suppose to do? I'm at the dawn of realizing that it is all Him. My desire for control and my striving really don't amount to much at all. I am just one little red blood cell in the stream, carrying my newly acquired oxygen to whatever capillary bed that God's force puts me into this time around. It's God's heart.

For now I'll hand it to God and just hold on to Him through prayer, scripture, and worship. He'll work out the details.

You are invited to my Kick Ass Vacation!

Take note of this. Put it in your palm.

Today I decided that when I turn 80 there will be no more major surgeries, heck maybe not even any minor ones for me. The day I have some young cardiologist tell me I need to go see a surgeon is the day the party planning starts. I'm going to take the $30,000 or so that the surgery, hospital stay, surgeons consulted for complication fees would cost and I'm going on a Kick Ass Vacation. I'm taking the grandkids, the kids, the spouse, and all friends who are at or beyond the 80 year mark. My calendar has a nice picture from the Family Island regatte of Georgetown, Bahamas. Let's go there. I'll be drinking plenty of margaritas, so I won't be feeling any pain. I plan on eating all the shellfish, fried, salty, spicy, high cholesterol, fatty food, I can get my hands on. If I die on the trip....well I guess I'll go out with a bang!

You don't want to forget this event. Put it down for the year 2054 or beyond. If you know who agirloutthere is, it is your lucky day because you are invited! Bring a fifth of your finest tequilla, and leave the sunscreen at home.

RSVP to agirloutthere by 2050AD

I Want To Be Free

I want to be free!

God, I want your freedom.
Freedom from hurts in my past.
Freedom from selfdoubts.
Freedom from fear.
Freedom from the rage.
Freedom from the guilt.










Freedom to tell it like it is.
Freedom to love the world like a crazy woman.
Freedom to experience you.
Freedom to be myself.
Freedom to discover me.

Freedom to laugh,
Freedom to cry.
Freedom to shout,
Freedom to whisper.

Freedom to be completely silly,
Freedom to be completely gross,
Freeedom to make my mistakes,
Freedom from people throwing it in my face.

Freedom to try,
Freedom to try again.
Freedom to love You,
Freedom to love me.
Freedom to sing,
Freedom to dance.
Freedom to inspire,
Freedom to take a chance.