24 Hours Before You Leave...

...And we fight.
We're both so uptight,
letting everything fly.
Extreme rage and hurt;
nothing to honor our Father on high.

I scream,
your eyes fall.
You walkout,
I begin to ball.

We tear each other apart,
the hours before you leave.

I don't want you to go
You don't want to leave me.
Everytime, everytime.

What's wrong with us?
Barrelling down the road
-- a runaway bus,
smashing everything in our path.

I'm really just sad and scared,
And you, you're lonely and missing me.

Halmark's calling, they say we should hold each other,
whisper sweet nothings in my ear,
enjoy a night of romance.

But it's cold over here,
just me and my pillow.
Puffy eyes,
aching heart,
wounded soul.
Grieving mind,
guilty mouth.

Temporary Constructs of a Feeble Human Intellect

I recently read a friend's blog that referenced these lines from the Matrix.

"Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love.

Neo's response: Because I choose to."

A choice. Just makes me think alot about the spiritual push back I feel like I've been experiencing lately, specifically dealing with disbelief. Now I realize that I have a choice to believe....hmmmm.

To choose to push through disbelief and the doubt that haunts me...I've discovered it to be incredible; incredibly challenging, incredibly difficult, incredibly disorienting, incredibly frightening, and incredibly humbling. Right now I feel completely weak and almost defeated. I don't understand, I just don't get it. How can a "believer" find herself smotherring in disbelief?

I have chosen to seek council, to receive prayer, to ask for prayer coverage, and to desperately cling to His promises. "Help me Obiwan Kenobi, you're my only hope." God is my only hope that I will not be swallowed up in the hopelessness of mere existance devoid of anthing beyond the tangible.

Right now all I can hope is that choosing to press into Him, some day I will emerge from this place of ambiguity.

Sept 27th 2005

The last two days I've been reading about our role, as humans, in spiritual warfare. Even as I read I felt relief, pooring into me. I don't know that I agree with everything the author is saying, but he has me refocusing on what is important. The author has bolstered my hope written above. I'll choose to press into Him.

I'll choose to praise Him, worship Him, embrace Him, and press into Him as a child does her father when her heart is broken. I will find comfort there. The hurt is still real, but so is the embrace.

I will say I am sorry for the things I've done. I'll repent of my desire for control, answers, my self defined security and success. "For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me." He has always provided for me, sometimes generously and sometimes just enough just in time.

I praise you, Father God! You have given this girl much. You have blessed me with love, knowledge, provision, health and safety, infinite 2nd chances with You and others, and the sacrifice of Your Son. Thank you God!! Thank you. You are mighty! You are holy! None compares to You! Not my disbelief, not my doubt. They are like mere ants, scurring under Your foot. You alone have the power and authority to deal with them.

As for me, I will press into Your embrace and accept Your strength and Your comfort and Your love for me. Thank You for holding me and protecting me when I am weak and vulnerable. Thank You for Your love, Your perfect love.

All the Answers

sheplaysamartin asked:

1. what color are your favorite pajamas? For the summer, turquoise blue and for the winter a strange purplish-burgandy from Old Navy.

2. how did you know aaron was 'the one'? Well I had noticed him and had one of those from a distance crushes on him for a little over a year. You know, I didn't know his name or his friend's name, but my girlfriend and I sure kept going to vespers at the Wesley foundation and commenting on "the 2 guys in the front." I guess what you are really wanting to know....early in our dating relationship, one night we were driving home from a club and he told me that being in a relationship with me made him want to be closer to God and made him want to be a better man. I nearly ran off the road (I-35 just north of I-240). That was the beginning of many clues.

3. why the gap in your blogging? :) Lots of things going on, especially in my mind and spirit and no real time to capture it all. The last ten minutes of work last night I got a writing rush, so I have a ten minute start of the next blog. It was quite frustrating to get so revved up to write and then have to stop and give report about something totally unrelated. Maybe tonight or tomorrow...

miss. j. a. h. asked:

1-what is your best childhood memory? Sitting at the edge of the garden with my dad. I was about 6 years old. He and I had spent all afternoon working in his vegtable garden. It was a hot evening in Medford, Oklahoma. We were sitting on the railroad tie. He was drinking a beer and I was drinking a 7up out of a can.

2-what are you most afraid of? a phone call.

3-what are your 5 most favorite things?
a. Good smells: lavendar, lilac, rain, knotty pines in Colorado in the heat of summer, wind through the fields of my grandfather's farm, the fresh smell after a shower, the initial breath as you walk into Servatti's, fresh cut grass...
b. Deep conversations.
c. When my husband smiles at me.
d. Overwhelmingly Intense prayer
e. Time spent with close friends.

just me asked:

1-why are you willing to forgive people so easily? I didn't know I did. There have been some real challenging forgivings, but I am free because I finally did forgive. In the last few years, I guess I forgive easily because of God's grace. It's quite humbling for me to think of all that has been forgiven in my life. I've been a real bitch and caused a fair share of hurt to others as well as myself, but God forgave me long before I was even around.

2-what is your one secret you have never told anyone? I'm afraid of a phone call.

3-what are you looking for? purpose.

Chasing each other around with paint rollers

Last night "someone" (Spicey) said something about "girls just want to have fun." I think she was quoting Cyndi. Anyway in the spirit of having fun I bring you this...

I recently found this on CMHL, who seems to have taken it from Coffeesoup (I love that name; wish I'd thought of it).

Here's to the fun...

1-Ask me three questions. Any 3, no matter how personal, private, or random

2-I have to answer them honestly. I have to answer them all. Read "the fine print:" within REASON.... I won't lie, but I might not give up the answer. So I guess I am a dirty little cheater ;-)

3-consider soliciting the three questions on your own blog..