Gotta wash that man right out of my...

Ok, so this thought came to mind this evening, "I don't trust men." Whoa! What the? Girl, what's going on?

I'm married for pete's sake! I love my husband, I love my dad, God is my Father, and I have male friends who I sincerely care about, so how can I have issues with men!

Actually it's pretty easy for me to answer that question. I felt the brunt of being "just a girl" at a very young age; on the playground. I wanted to play sports and I was picked last, not because I was slow or weak or whatever, just because I was something called "a girl." I mean really, at 5 and 6 years old, is there a huge difference? I was faster than most of the boys and I was happy to knock as many of them down as possible. And you know something else? When you are a girl in grade school and you get in trouble for fighting on the playground, the principle gives you lines full of how "nice little girls" should behave. (Excuse me I forgot it was wear pink and carry my Barbie doll around day.) OK, so that crap that every other tom-boy had to deal with is obvious. Later, I was burned a bit, by being a late bloomer. I loved not having to deal with the "blooming" drama that I watched my classmates and teammates going through, but I hated the fact that the guys didn't really notice me as a girl. During this time there was also fear. Fear of losing my spot on the track team, because our coach, he would always tell us how much it would slow us down when we started to "develop."

Ok, so when the development part happened, I caught up almost overnite what I had lacked for years. I hated it. It was bad enough that my clothes just weren't working out for me anymore, and I had to wear these hellish contraptions, but all the guys noticed and didn't even try to be suave about it. "Nice tits." (But if I throw him on the ground and kick his ass, I'll be suspended.) So basically the attention I was getting from guys was overtly sexual, unwelcome, and unrelenting.

Finally, I got to college, where all of the growing up drama was behind everyone. Yeah! Time to move on as a normal person. Although I still had a lot of vengeful anger to get rid of. I learned very quickly in my freshman year, that college boys are easy. It was easy to get phone calls, easy to get free meals, easy to get free entertainment, easy to get their attention, easy to pick 'em up, and easy to drop 'em. It became a little game..."who is the biggest challenge to date?" I dated a guy for a bit and then dated his roommate, dated a divorced guy in graduate school, then dated 2 of his fraternity brothers, went on 4 dates in one day (lunch, putt-putt and coffee, dinner and movie, and then bar hopping), went on a date with one guy, met one of his professors that night, and then went out with the prof the next weekend.

So I was mistreated by 'em, didn't trust 'em, then I used 'em and probably wasn't honest with 'em...ironic. No wonder I have trust issues. Now, I'm unpacking all the untrusting and dishonest baggage that I collected and trying to start anew, clean and Downy Mountain Air fresh. Thanks God for laundry days.

My Confession: I'm Not Watching The State of The Union Address Tonight

So I'm not watching the State of the Union Address tonight , and I'll tell you why.

President Bush will say a lot of things that sound really good, afterwards the opponents will make their criticizing comments that will also sound really good, and tomorrow more than likely, none of it will come to fruition.

I think it's much more interesting that today was Mr. Greenspan's last day with the Federal Reserve, the day that Judge Alito was sworn in as the 110th Supreme Court Justice, and the final day for a remarkable woman, Coretta Scott King.

As for the State of the Union, let me know how it went. I'm ordering Chinese and getting a movie... see ya!

Who's God?

Dialogue from "The Island"

Lincoln 6 Echo (E. McGregor): Who's God?

McCord (S. Buscemi): *thinking* Well, you know how when you want something real bad and you close your eyes and wish real hard for it?"

Lincoln 6 Echo: *gets it* Yeah!

McCord: God is the guy who ignores you.


So now I ask you, 'Who's God?'

She Will Be Loved

Ephesians 3:17-18 (New Living Translation)
17And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. 18And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is.


Yes, Jesus loves her! He loves her director, loves her photographer, loves the video store owner, loves the video watcher, loves you, loves me, loves the liars, loves the bigots, loves President Bush, loves Senator Clinton, loves Pat Robertson, loves the cheaters, loves the pimps, loves Jim and Tammy Baker, loves the passive aggressives, loves the high rollers, loves the "godhatesfags" people, loves the antisocials, loves the pregnant teen and the boy who denies knocking her up, he loves the aborted baby, the abortionist, the assisting nurse, the girl in the stirrups, the friend sitting in the waiting room, the parent who gave her the condoms, the parent you gave her the boot, the pro-choice lobbyist, the pro-life lobbyist, and the crowd outside the clinic screaming "you're going to hell for this." He loves you, He loves me (incase you missed it the first time). He loves the drunkard that mowed down the cute little kid down the street. He loves the judge who gave him 2 years probation. He loves the cute little kid. He loves the cute little kid's mom who swallowed a bottle of everything to make the pain stop. He loves the devastated man.

I think you get the point...but if for some reason you don't, read and watch all the bad news that you can find and then spend a couple of moments sitting and just thinking about all of those children that God loves. Did you hear me? Jesus loves the little children, ALL the children of the world.

Do you remember this song?

Jesus calls the children dear,
“Come to me and never fear,
For I love the little children of the world;
I will take you by the hand,
Lead you to the better land,
For I love the little children of the world.”

Refrain (for kids this means, sing it as loud as possible)

Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
All are precious in His sight,
Jesus loves the little children of the world.

Alternate refrain (they never taught this one in VBS, so we just hummed along):

Jesus died for all the children,
All the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
All are precious in His sight,
Jesus died for all the children of the world.]

Jesus is the Shepherd true,
And He’ll always stand by you,
For He loves the little children of the world;
He’s a Savior great and strong,
And He’ll shield you from the wrong,
For He loves the little children of the world.

Refrain

I am coming, Lord, to Thee,
And Your soldier I will be,
For You love the little children of the world;
And Your cross I’ll always bear,
And for You I’ll do and dare,
For You love the little children of the world.

Refrain

...or this one...

Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong.

Refrain (Remember, sing it as loud as you possibly can!)

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! This I know,
As He loved so long ago,
Taking children on His knee,
Saying, “Let them come to Me.”


Refrain

Jesus loves me still today,
Walking with me on my way,
Wanting as a friend to give
Light and love to all who live.

Refrain

Jesus loves me! He who died
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.

Refrain

Jesus loves me! He will stay
Close beside me all the way;
Thou hast bled and died for me,
I will henceforth live for Thee.

Refrain


*This stan­za from the orig­in­al is com­mon­ly omit­ted in hymn­als:

Jesus loves me! Loves me still,
Though I’m very weak and ill,
That I might from sin be free
Bled and died upon the tree.





Isaiah wrote, "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." (Isaiah 40:11)

An anonymous Eastern traveler told of witnessing what the prophet described.
"One shepherd led his flock by a zigzag path, up the almost perpendicular bank of the glen. Behind it two young lambs trotted gaily along at the feet of their mother. At first they frisked about and jumped lightly from stone to stone; but soon they began to fall behind. The poor little things cried piteously when the path became steeper and the rocks higher, and the flock more distant. The mother cried too, running back and forth - now lingering behind, now hasting on before, as if to wile them upwards. It was in vain. The ascent was too much for their feeble limbs. They stopped, trembling on the shelving cliff, and cried; the mother stopped and cried by their side. I thought they would certainly be lost; and I saw the great eagles that soared in great circles around the cliff far overhead, swooping lower and lower, as if to pounce upon their prey. But no! The plaintive cries of distress had already reached the ear of the good shepherd. Mounting a rock, he looked down, and saw the helpless little ones. A minute more, and he was standing by them. Then taking them up in his arms, he put them - one on each side - in his bosom, in the ample folds of his coat, which was bound round the waist by a girdle" ('The Pulpit Commentary'; Isaiah; Vol. II; P. 93).

So now I have to ask myself, can I look at these people and cry to The Shepherd like the mother lamb, or will I circle and wait for the perfect opportunity to pounce like the great eagle? Can I love her? What about you?

Thank God, she was loved by Him, she is loved by Him, and she will be loved by Him.

Fear and Training Wheels

I watched as my dad took the training wheels off my bike. I threw my leg over the bike and then stood there with my feet touching the ground. I could feel the sweat on my hands, the warmth up the back of my neck, and a tightness in my stomach. The moment had come for me to either try to ride this bike or drop it in the street and run and always wonder what it would have been like to ride the bike my father had taught me to ride. Well I took off and Dad was right behind me. I busted my knees a few times, cried from the sting on my knee (frustration and embarrassment), got a band-aid, and tried again. Every time he helped me climb back on and every time he cheered me on.



Eventually, I was tearing through the neighborhood with my friends, thinking we were rulers of the world (not poor little kids with banged up knees), as we splashed through mud puddles, tore through the neighbors’ back yards, and raced the setting sun home! Those streets and alleys and muddy yards were ours for the taking! (Excuse me while I go paint my face blue and white...Freedom!!!)



Looking back, I wish I would have taken my own life lessons to heart and experienced the freedom and adventure that comes with walking away from fear. I have recently been thinking about fear and freedom. This started a several days ago observing and listening to others, and the other morning I started reflecting on how I've handled fear throughout my life. There have been times that I have ruled the world because I overcame fear and realized what I was experiencing because I had freedom from fear. And there are times that I am captive to fear and can only focus on the sting of my bleeding knee. At times there have been things I really wanted, but fear (and his close cousin, aka doubt) kept my feet planted on the ground on either side of my bike, so I never knew what was in store for me. Actually, I did it again, just the other night. I sat with a group of friends wondering if it would be OK to share what was really pressing into me. Could I take the training wheels off? Would I crash in front of everybody? What if I lost control? What if somebody said "You ride like a girl!" (Oh wait I am a girl.) Anyway, I held back, feeling it would be too much, too over the top, too much drama, too dangerous, etc, etc. I don't know who, but I think there was a friend hanging out, really hoping that a friend would peddle his/her bike down the street. I wonder who was going to gain from what I should have shared. I pray that God gives me a chance to try again. Guess I just need to remember that He is running behind me, cheering me on, with a band-aid in His pocket.

Question #1 from Mr. Wright

Question #1 is something I started asking friends and others about 2 or 3 years ago when I was wrestling with the idea of how people really grew in their relationship with Jesus and in their commitment to Him. ...What are your Top Five, All Time, Desert Island Spiritually Significant Events? By SSE's I mean moments, activities, disciplines, experiences, etc... that changed how you see and experience God.

1-Cori. She was my running partner the summer I found God. She played a significant role in my coming to God. I shared stories from my life and questioned God's willingness to love me. The best thing was, that her jaw did not hit the ground. She just kept hanging out with me and listening. At times she would share what God had done in her life and encourage me to keep seeking.

2-A Dream. I had a very intense longing for a past "friend." I was incredibly troubled by it one day in particular, and when I got to the end of the night, I just knelt in my bed and cried out to God through song. I had only been a Christian for about a month, so I only new one song, but I sang it for what seemed like hours until I finally fell asleep. During my sleep I dreamt of this guy and it was so real. It caused my heart to ache and I felt so much confusion. Then in the middle of all the confusion God clearly spoke to me, "It will never work, because he is not of me." Bam! I sat straight up in bed, completely awake and stunned. With one sentence, God completely broke the ties of that relationship from my heart. 4 months later, I ran into my "friend" and he started talking about a relationship (like in the dream), but in real life I had complete peace and confidence about turning away from the relationship.

3-My Man. There came a point in our dating life (and again the other night), where I felt I needed to share with My Man my history. I knew it would be over, but instead he pointed out that all of those journies and brought me right here with him. I'm so thankful that God has given him the capacity to love me over and over and over again.

4- GirlFriends. We have moved around so much, but God has always secured some beautiful women for me everywhere I go. It has never taken long, before I'm in a tremendous friendship where we can share our hearts, minds, fears, joys, and struggles. There are several, and I thank God for the time (at times too brief) that I've had with each of you...Bree, Nancy, Liza, Cherry, April, Rochelle, Holly, Marsha, Christa, Andrea, Kathy, Anna.

5- Unexpected Movie Line. "Time served. You are guilty, and you are free to go." I was watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose and when that line was spoken, it completely stunned me. It was a strange feeling, everything just stopped for a moment. I realized, Christ has served the time for my continued guilt, but because of Him, I am free to go. Thank you, Jesus.

So what are your Top 5 SSEs?

Crap! Mr. Wright, already has question #2 up; What the Hell is Wrong with People? I use to know someone who always said, 'F%$#ing People!' I guess that means we're just all screwed up, and as another friend has written, 'I (still) need God.'

What now?

Now here's a question for some of you....what do you do when you feel you've missed an opportunity that God wanted you to act in and now the moment is gone?

Forgiveness

I have forgiven many things and people in my life; insults that I considered huge. Now I realize I need to forgive someone else, myself.

God, What if?

I woke up one recent morning with two songs chasing each other through my head.
(The following is the rendention in my head...the real lyrics will follow.)

God, sometimes you just don't come through,
God, sometimes you just don't come through.

But what if your wrong? What if there's more?
(repeat x10 or so)

Sometimes I just feel like nothing is working out. Sometimes I feel like I'm free falling and the hard unforgiving ground is coming up pretty quick. It's times like these that I think to myself, "Where is God right now, in the midst of all of this? Is He going to come through? If something doesn't happen soon there won't be much of me left. I'll go splat."

I fear the splat so it must be a bad thing, right? Or is it the splat that will be the beginning of the big "Ahh-haa" moment? So then I'm left to wonder, if I do go splat, is He real? Was it His blessing or His lesson, or is it just the chance of the good and bad breaks of life? God, what if you aren't real? What if you are?

Just a little thought to get those intellectual and spiritual parts of you stretched...

(oh, here's the full lyrics to the songs of Ms Amos and Ms Nordeman)

God, sometimes you just don't come through
God, sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you
God, sometimes you just don't come through

You make pretty daisies, pretty daisies love
I gotta find what you're doing about things here
A few witches burning gets a little toasty here
I gotta find
Why you always go
When the wind blows

God, sometimes you just don't come through
God, sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you
God, sometimes you just don't come through

Tell me you're crazy maybe then I'll understand
You got your 9 iron in the back seat just in case
You heard you've gone south
Well, baby, you love your new 4 wheel
I gotta find
Why you always go
When the wind blows

Will you even tell her
If you decide to make the sky fall
Will you even tell her
If you decide to make the sky fall

God, sometimes you just don't come through
God, sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you
God, sometimes you just don't come through
--Tori Amos, God



What if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you

And what if it’s true?
What if he takes his palace in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

What if you dig, What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions inside
That’s all you find

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold

You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land so long

But what if you’re wrong?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?
--Nichole Nordeman, What If?