Throwing a Hail Mary

I want to know what that is. If you don't know specifically, what do you think? I know things weren't that great between you and Grandma. What was it between you? Did she have something going on? Did you? I remember you drinking wine in the evening, while you made dinner, with dinner, while you cleaned up, and when you went to bed. Was that part of something? I remember you crying a lot in your room, but none of us ever knew why. Was that part of something? I remember you getting so mad at us girls. Was that part of something? I remember hearing about Grandma drinking something that made her so sick she had to go to the hospital. Was that part of something? I have seen you and Uncle David and Sophie and myself completely rage. Is that part of something? You once told us girls that there was something you had wanted to talk with us about for sometime, but then it was dropped. Was that part of something? You once told me that Grandpa beat Grandma. Was that part of something?


I know it can't be.... well it's probably downright crappy feeling to read through this. I am sorry for that. My purpose is not to make YOU feel bad in any way. My purpose is to understand what's going on with me. I've been unhappy for quite some time now. I'm afraid to change things up...it might be the wrong change. I have recently discovered that I don't and many times can't trust others. I think it is this trust issue that stifles my relationship with and cripples my ability to love God, my husband, friends, family and you. I'm trying to work out this stuff in my life. Until now, I've been cutting off whatever is painful for me. Now I'm just pretty numb.


So this is why I'm asking all these questions. If you are offended or otherwise hurt, again I am sorry. If you decide not to address any of this, that's fine; you have to handle it for yourself. Well it won't quite be fine, as I'll still be at a loss, but I'm not going to hound you for answers or change our relationship. You have to be free to do this honestly.



Throwing a Hail Mary,

Your little girl